Coconut

April 30, 2017

Nine-Year-Old: Let’s see if they have coconut cars.

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Carrots

April 29, 2017

Me: There’s more to having rabbits than them just sitting around and being cute and eating carrots. They also poop.

Continue

April 28, 2017

Robot on Telephone: Hi, this is Jim Thompson. How are you today?
Me: You’re a robot.
Robot on Telephone: Noooo…. Can we continue?

Harem

April 27, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old: It’s like a science fiction harem.
Me: What?
Thirteen-Year-Old: Nothing. Just talking to myself.

Fault

April 26, 2017

Me: It’s not my fault if you can’t figure out how to use a parking lot.

Featuring

April 25, 2017

Me: Is there some group of people that celebrates a winter holiday featuring a giant mutant frog?

Lipstick

April 24, 2017

Me: Don’t try to come between two people in love, especially if they have been eating lipstick together.

Cheeks

April 23, 2017

Me: I want to start a club called “Butt Cheeks.”

Urgent

April 22, 2017

Wife: Hobos go to urgent care!

Quotes

April 21, 2017

Me: I will place “syphilis” in quotes.
Wife: How will that help?