Coconut
April 30, 2017
Nine-Year-Old: Let’s see if they have coconut cars.
Carrots
April 29, 2017
Me: There’s more to having rabbits than them just sitting around and being cute and eating carrots. They also poop.
Continue
April 28, 2017
Robot on Telephone: Hi, this is Jim Thompson. How are you today?
Me: You’re a robot.
Robot on Telephone: Noooo…. Can we continue?
Harem
April 27, 2017
Thirteen-Year-Old: It’s like a science fiction harem.
Me: What?
Thirteen-Year-Old: Nothing. Just talking to myself.
Fault
April 26, 2017
Me: It’s not my fault if you can’t figure out how to use a parking lot.
Featuring
April 25, 2017
Me: Is there some group of people that celebrates a winter holiday featuring a giant mutant frog?
Lipstick
April 24, 2017
Me: Don’t try to come between two people in love, especially if they have been eating lipstick together.
Cheeks
April 23, 2017
Me: I want to start a club called “Butt Cheeks.”
Urgent
April 22, 2017
Wife: Hobos go to urgent care!
Quotes
April 21, 2017
Me: I will place “syphilis” in quotes.
Wife: How will that help?