Featuring

April 25, 2017

Me: Is there some group of people that celebrates a winter holiday featuring a giant mutant frog?

Lipstick

April 24, 2017

Me: Don’t try to come between two people in love, especially if they have been eating lipstick together.

Cheeks

April 23, 2017

Me: I want to start a club called “Butt Cheeks.”

Urgent

April 22, 2017

Wife: Hobos go to urgent care!

Quotes

April 21, 2017

Me: I will place “syphilis” in quotes.
Wife: How will that help?

Try

April 20, 2017

Five-Year-Old: The anger isn’t working. The anger isn’t working. The anger isn’t working. So let’s try this again.

Sniping

April 19, 2017

Me [singing]: I saw Mommy sniping Santa Claus.

Lottery

April 18, 2017

Nine-Year-Old: There is a beer lottery.

Celebrate

April 17, 2017

Five-Year-Old: I hate the times you don’t celebrate Christmas!
Thirteen-Year-Old: Oh, ho, ho. Not having this conversation at this time.

Oven

April 16, 2017

Wife: I don’t think there’s an actual oven blowing up tool.
Five-Year-Old: You can buy one from the store!