Report

Conference Speaker: I’m not going to report on this. I’m just going to tell you about it.

Surfing

Six-Year-Old: I wouldn’t go surfing if I were me.

Liver

Wife: Look, beef liver.
Me: …
Oh, beef liver. I thought you said, “beef flipper.”

Candles

Me: We don’t need any ear candles!

Ankle

Nine-Year-Old: The way to destroy a demon is to tie a rope around its ankle. You put the other end of the rope somewhere high and put the demon in the lava.

Soldier

Wife: I’m actually getting kind of tired of the cross-dressing soldier.

Mister

Nine-Year-Old: Oh, Mister MacGuyver is doing something.

Tongue

Six-Year-Old: I can’t taste that! You’re using my tongue!

Cannibalism

Wife: He helps pimp his wife’s milk.
Me: Is that really pimping?
Wife: Yes, it’s a weird intersection of pimping and cannibalism.

Electrocute

Wife [parodying me]:  “I keep hitting Delete on my computer, and it keeps trying to electrocute me.  I can’t figure out what’s going on.”