Report

July 31, 2013

Conference Speaker: I’m not going to report on this. I’m just going to tell you about it.

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Surfing

July 30, 2013

Six-Year-Old: I wouldn’t go surfing if I were me.

Liver

July 29, 2013

Wife: Look, beef liver.
Me:
Oh, beef liver. I thought you said, “beef flipper.”

Candles

July 28, 2013

Me: We don’t need any ear candles!

Ankle

July 27, 2013

Nine-Year-Old: The way to destroy a demon is to tie a rope around its ankle. You put the other end of the rope somewhere high and put the demon in the lava.

Soldier

July 26, 2013

Wife: I’m actually getting kind of tired of the cross-dressing soldier.

Mister

July 25, 2013

Nine-Year-Old: Oh, Mister MacGuyver is doing something.

Tongue

July 24, 2013

Six-Year-Old: I can’t taste that! You’re using my tongue!

Cannibalism

July 23, 2013

Wife: He helps pimp his wife’s milk.
Me: Is that really pimping?
Wife: Yes, it’s a weird intersection of pimping and cannibalism.

Electrocute

July 22, 2013

Wife [parodying me]: “I keep hitting Delete on my computer, and it keeps trying to electrocute me. I can’t figure out what’s going on.”