July 31, 2013
Conference Speaker: I’m not going to report on this. I’m just going to tell you about it.
July 30, 2013
Six-Year-Old: I wouldn’t go surfing if I were me.
July 29, 2013
Wife: Look, beef liver.
Oh, beef liver. I thought you said, “beef flipper.”
July 27, 2013
Nine-Year-Old: The way to destroy a demon is to tie a rope around its ankle. You put the other end of the rope somewhere high and put the demon in the lava.
July 26, 2013
Wife: I’m actually getting kind of tired of the cross-dressing soldier.
July 24, 2013
Six-Year-Old: I can’t taste that! You’re using my tongue!
July 23, 2013
July 22, 2013
Wife [parodying me]: “I keep hitting Delete on my computer, and it keeps trying to electrocute me. I can’t figure out what’s going on.”