December 31, 2011

Me: You haven’t got a monopoly on worrying.
Wife: I need to work on that.
Me: Nah, then you’d get broken up under the Clayton Antitrust Act.


December 30, 2011

[While bowling]
Friend: Way to go, [Wife]!
Friend’s Husband: Oh! [Seven-Year-Old] got a strike too!
Seven-Year-Old: Yeah!
Me: Mother-daughter strike dance!


December 29, 2011

Wife: Why are you saying so many things tonight that make me doubt?
Me: You want me to be rock.
Wife: A “ra-h-hk”?
Me: Yes, a “rahk“—one of those big things that swoops down? Squawk!
Wife: That would be inconvenient.
Me: Whatever, Sinbad. If you can’t take the heat, stay out of the valley of vipers and diamonds.


December 28, 2011

Me: Do you want me to take the dog for a walk?
Wife: The dog wants you to take the dog for a walk.
Seven-Year-Old: No one else does.


December 27, 2011

Seven-Year-Old: It’s a snake!
Wife: No, it’s a wad of hummus.


December 26, 2011

Friend: He wants to go get lunch.
Me: He can just stay home and chew on his toe.


December 25, 2011

Me: Which of them is good, and which is evil? Just so I know.
Friend: What?
Wife: “Just so you know”? What, are you keeping naughty and nice lists?
Me: Ho, ho, ho.
Friend: Are you San—?
Me: Ho, ho.
[Whispering] Yes, I’m Santa. Don’t let anyone know.


December 24, 2011

Seven-Year-Old: I found this doughnut-shaped eraser in the pretend kitchen. [Sigh]
Me: Well, that’s a natural place to put it.
Seven-Year-Old: Huh?
Me: It’s toy food.
Seven-Year-Old: This is not a toy. This is technology. Technology!


December 23, 2011

Me: How many pieces of pie?
Wife: One for me.
Four-Year-Old: Two for me!


December 22, 2011

Wife: Great! Our son lives a place that is so devoid of basic necessities that he thinks snowmen aren’t real! This is a problem!