December 31, 2018

Eleven-Year-Old: I put headphones in it.
Wife: It doesn’t have a headphone jack! Stop putting things into my phone before you break it.



December 30, 2018

Six-Year-Old: What if it takes a decade? In a decade, I’ll be sixteen!


December 29, 2018

Me: Jupisan, the glass giant, looks after the rest of the solar system when the sun is tired.


December 28, 2018

Eleven-Year-Old: I got some speed, and then I lost it all on a yoga mat.
Wife: Clean up all the drugs on my yoga mat!
Eleven-Year-Old: What?
Wife: And don’t do drugs. They’re bad for you.


December 27, 2018

Six-Year-Old: I just want biscuits! They’re delicious—deliciouser than I can imagine!


December 26, 2018

Me: What the heck fell on me?
Wife: Squirrel, probably.
Me: Wasp nest!


December 25, 2018

Six-Year-Old: Are we going to celebrate Christmas, like odd Jews?


December 24, 2018

Me: So what does it mean?
Wife: Hand wash cold, while listening to Pink Floyd.

Rib Cage

December 23, 2018

Wife: Please don’t sit on his sword.
Eleven-Year-Old: I’m not.
Wife: Please don’t sit on any sword.
Six-Year-Old: He is lying on it with his rib cage!


December 22, 2018

Me: Wake up every morning to a glowing narwhal.
Fourteen-Year-Old: My dream come true!