June 30, 2013

Me: The baby changing station sounded like a hungry monster when I opened it up.



June 29, 2013

Wife: Let’s just take this off.
Wife’s Friend: Do you want some napkins to cover yourself up?

Played By

June 28, 2013

Me: And that is MacGyver, played by Charlton Heston.


June 27, 2013

Friend’s Daughter: The back of my head still hurts.
Friend: Does that mean we need to go home so you can sleep?
Friend’s Daughter: No.
Friend: Does it hurt too much for you to play?
Friend’s Daughter: No.
Friend: So what should you do?
Friend’s Daughter: Play until I get a concussion.


June 26, 2013

Me: Did you take a really big bite of the cookie?
Six-Year-Old: On Accident!


June 25, 2013

Me: You don’t want Chick-fil-A to turn into a failed narco-restaurant.


June 24, 2013

Wife: I didn’t know you could make a moped out of a weed whacker.


June 23, 2013

Nine-Year-Old’s Best Friend [to her father]: If we act really crazy, can we be sent outside in the rain?


June 22, 2013

Six-Year-Old: Whenever [Nine-Year-Old] and I find these caterpillars, we throw them at each other and yell, “Caterpillar attack!”


June 21, 2013

Me: I think the Elsie and Elmer soap opera stuff disappeared by the late fifties, if not earlier.
Wife: Elsie had twins.
Me: I mean, the, “Your mother is here? Well, I’m gonna’ get my shotgun and shoot somebody,” stories didn’t last that long.
Wife: Just so you know, those were different ads.
Me: I know.
Wife: And, to be fair to him, Elmer was going to shoot people who were running a black market during rationing.
Me: Beef rationing! Damn those…
Wife: Elmer is a gun-toting rage maniac, but he is, like chaotic good.
Me: Chaotic good?
Wife: Chaotic good.
Me: He eats hamburgers.
Wife: Chaotic.
Me: Chaotic neutral, at best.