Watching The Sea Devils

Five-Year-Old: When it gets scary, can you open up your back for me?

Swellage

Me: I think Reuven needs a bath.
Five-Year-Old: I don’t.
Me: Huh? Oh, do you mean you don’t think Reuven needs a bath, or you don’t need a bath?
Five-Year-Old: I don’t need a bath, because I didn’t “swellage” in the dirt?
Me: And he did “swellage” in the dirt?
Five-Year-Old: He had dirty water.

Hand Sanitizer

Me: I don’t need any hand sanitizer.
Two-Year-Old: Mmm!
Me: You want some hand sanitizer?
Two-Year-Old: Mmm!
Me: Here, I’ll put some this on your hand, and you rub it—
No, don’t rub hand sanitizer in your hair!

Grownups

Me: We’re going to get Reuven now.
Five-Year-Old: Can I go in and get him?
Me: Sure.
Five-Year-Old: Because I love him so much, and if a grownup opens the door, he thinks he’s going to be dropped off, even though he’s already there.

Averse

Grandmother: I’ve got something else for you.
Me: Yeah, I’m not exactly sure why you bought these for us.
Grandmother: Sometimes in the car, you need salt.
Me: Then why did you buy the low salt ones?
Grandmother: I don’t buy anything with a lot of salt. I’m averse to salt.

Vacuum Cleaner

Me: I’ll take this downstairs and turn out the lights.
Wife: Oh, the vacuum cleaner! It sounded like you were trying to break the chair leg.

Hideous

Me: There was a lot of horse-themed stuff at that house sale, but my father was more interested in how the basement had been remodeled: “Hey, they reframed the door of the utility room.” There was a lot of horse-themed stuff. They had a couple of horse-headed canes. You know I’ve always wanted a cane. If they hadn’t both been so hideous, I would have bought one.
Wife and Five-Year-Old: [Riotous laughter]

The Northwest’s Sports and Auto Store

Father: This is really a great place. It’s got the crud you pour on the floor of your garage and the beer you drink when it doesn’t work.

Senator

Me: Here’s my question for you, Mom. What do you think of Al Franken’s performance so far?
Mother: You mean in the campaign or in the Senate?
Me: Uh, either.
Mother: Well, you know how he tries so hard to get people not to see him as a comedian.
Father: But everybody sees him as a comedian, so whenever he says something, everybody bursts out laughing.
You know what was the moment when I had the most respect for Al Franken?
Me: What?
Father: When Arafat was dying and he kept making all those tasteless jokes about Arafat. I’m still waiting to see if he’ll do the same thing for Hizbollah and Hamas.

Not Interested

Me: Please don’t go poking around on my computer.
Grandmother: I was looking for Drew.
Me: He’s not on there, and it’s very rude.
Grandmother: I just wanted to see Drew.
Me: Were you expecting to see his picture on the screen? It’s not there.
Grandmother: Well you mentioned him, and you mentioned the computer. I thought you might have sent him a message through the computer.
Me: That’s not what I said, and I think I was quite clear about what happened.
Grandmother: Well, I didn’t know it was rude. I’m not interested in computers.
Me: Then why were you looking at it?
Grandmother: I’m not interested in computers.
Me: Then why were you looking at mine?