Home Haircut (cont.)

Wife: Close your mouth, or you’ll get hair in it.
Five-Year-Old: It’s OK. I’ll just spit it out.
Wife: No, don’t do that. Just keep your mouth closed.
Me: Yes—actually, if you get any hair in your mouth, the rules say you have to eat it.
Five-Year-Old: No they don’t!
Wife: Yep, those are the rules.
Five-Year-Old: What rules are those?
Wife: “The rules” rules.

Home Haircut

Wife: Stop doing that! I know your hair is getting is too long, and it’s getting in your eyes. That’s why I’m doing this.
Me: Long hair is long.
Five-Year-Old: Long-y hair is hong!
Wife: What does that mean?

Vomiting

Wife: Why are you vomiting?
Five-Year-Old: Me?
Wife: No, Daddy!

Money Robot

Five-Year-Old: [inaudible robot voice]
Me: What?
Five-Year-Old: [inaudible robot voice]
Me: I can’t tell what kind of robot you are.
Five-Year-Old: I… am… a… money… robot…. Give… me… money.
Two-Year-Old: Give me money.
Five-Year-Old: I am a baby robot. Nwah! Nwah!
Two-Year-Old: Nwah. Nwah.
Five-Year-Old: I am a hug robot. Hug, hug, hug, hug, hug, hug, hug, hug, hug!

Klondike

[crash]
Me: Ouch!
Wife: What was that?
Five-Year-Old: Something—
Me: Klondike to the head.
Wife: Klondike? Oh, right, Klondike.

Shapes

Me: What are you doing?
Five-Year-Old: Making shapes.
Me: In my chest hair?
Five-Year-Old: Mm-hm.

Spin

Wife: Just because your sister spins around while eating cookies doesn’t mean you have to spin around while eating cookies. It’s optional.
Five-Year-Old: Uhhhhh.
…
[thud]
Two-Year-Old: Uhhhhh.
…
[thud]

Sting

Five-Year-Old: I’m stinging you. Sting! Sting.
Wife: If you sting me in the face too much, I won’t be able to finish your jellyfish costume.
Five-Year-Old: I’m not really stinging you.
Wife: Nope, too much stinging.
Five-Year-Old: I’m not actually getting you in the face. It’s not the kind of stinging that’s the real one.

Dance Pose

Me: You’re doing a great job.
…
I’m not sure why I have us in a dance pose.
Wife: I think it was just so you could say, “I’m not sure why I have us in a dance pose.”
Five-Year-Old: I like your doing it that way! Put her back in the dance pose!

Miss Mommy

Five-Year-Old: Miss Mommy.
Two-Year-Old: Miss Mommy!
Wife: What did she call me?
Me: “Miss Mommy.”
Wife: They don’t usually call me “Miss.”
Two-Year-Old: Miss Mommy! Miss Mommy! Miss Mommy!