December 31, 2015

Me: Do you want help manhandling that?
Wife: It’s a dress, not a hippo.



December 30, 2015

Cousin: Oh, no, you can take a lot of Benadryl and be okay—might hallucinate.


December 29, 2015

Me: I didn’t want strippers anyway.
Wife: Where was your bachelor party? The Cheesecake Factory, with your dad.
Me: Wrong kind of cheesecake.


December 28, 2015

Cousin: You’re not going to get, like, stabbed or something. They’re cool surprises!


December 27, 2015

Wife: You’re fighting with somebody who isn’t even here.
Brother: I like being right about it!


December 26, 2015

Me: You’re already in the no underwear party, [Brother].
Brother: Yeah, yeah, my pants are duct taped together right now.

Political Party

December 25, 2015

Cousin [reading]:I want to make pants illegal.” I’m in that political party. I hate pants.


December 24, 2015

Me: Your pants are unzipped.
Brother: That is, unfortunately, their semi-natural state. They need to be re-superglued in the middle.


December 23, 2015

Me: I’m afraid that [Brother] may have gone back to the car to get his wallet, and now he’s wandering around the streets trying to buy underwear.


December 22, 2015

Wife: The next time you buy me two glasses of wine, I’m going to have to kill you.
Me: Technically, I only ordered them for you. Grandma bought them for you.