Tap

November 30, 2010

Wife: Oh my God! Her water is awful!
Me: The tap water, or from the bottle?
Wife: The tap. It tastes like meat.

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Is it…?

November 29, 2010

Grandmother’s iPad: Is it scissors, an octopus, or a toilet?

Liar

November 28, 2010

Three-Year-Old: She called me a liar!
Me: What did you say to her?
Three-Year-Old:
Wife: The world will never know.

Santa

November 27, 2010

Six-Year-Old: Cool! Someone dressed up as Christmas—I mean, Santa!

Remember

November 26, 2010

Wife: What does he like?
Six-Year-Old: Cars and building blocks, and sometimes he plays with…. I can’t remember what they’re called. I can’t remember.
Me: Well, what do they look like?
Six-Year-Old: I can’t remember. They’re just some kind of toy.

King

November 25, 2010

Me: What is that book? And why is there a picture of a king next to a vaguely pornographic cartoon?

Busy

November 24, 2010

Me [on telephone]: Grandma, I’m pretty busy right now, so can I call you back some time tomorrow?
Grandmother: No.

Munch

November 23, 2010

Six-Year-Old [complaining about the texture of her dinner]: No more crunch and munch!
Me: I’ll bet Gurgi would chew his food.
Six-Year-Old: Hmph.
Three-Year-Old [to me]: Stop saying that! We don’t say that to people!

Bite

November 22, 2010

Me [to Six-Year-Old]: No, that is too much food for one bite.
Wife [to Six-Year-Old]: When somebody tells you that, the correct thing is not to try to hide it in your mouth!

Pet Frogs

November 21, 2010

Wife: I really need to come up with names for them. It’s not fair.
Me: “Swimmy”?
Wife: “Swimmy”? “Swimmy”? Really? “Swimmy”? Really?
Me: Not really.
Wife: “Swimmy”? Really. “Swimmy”?