Tap

Wife: Oh my God! Her water is awful!
Me: The tap water, or from the bottle?
Wife: The tap. It tastes like meat.

Is it…?

Grandmother’s iPad: Is it scissors, an octopus, or a toilet?

Liar

Three-Year-Old: She called me a liar!
Me: What did you say to her?
Three-Year-Old: …
Wife: The world will never know.

Santa

Six-Year-Old: Cool! Someone dressed up as Christmas—I mean, Santa!

Remember

Wife: What does he like?
Six-Year-Old: Cars and building blocks, and sometimes he plays with…. I can’t remember what they’re called. I can’t remember.
Me: Well, what do they look like?
Six-Year-Old: I can’t remember. They’re just some kind of toy.

King

Me: What is that book? And why is there a picture of a king next to a vaguely pornographic cartoon?

Busy

Me [on telephone]: Grandma, I’m pretty busy right now, so can I call you back some time tomorrow?
Grandmother: No.

Munch

Six-Year-Old [complaining about the texture of her dinner]: No more crunch and munch!
Me: I’ll bet Gurgi would chew his food.
Six-Year-Old: Hmph.
Three-Year-Old [to me]: Stop saying that! We don’t say that to people!

Bite

Me [to Six-Year-Old]: No, that is too much food for one bite.
Wife [to Six-Year-Old]: When somebody tells you that, the correct thing is not to try to hide it in your mouth!

Pet Frogs

Wife: I really need to come up with names for them. It’s not fair.
Me: “Swimmy”?
Wife: “Swimmy”? “Swimmy”? Really? “Swimmy”? Really?
Me: Not really.
Wife: “Swimmy”? Really. “Swimmy”?