Actress

July 11, 2018

Graduate Student: Emily Blunt is an amazing actress, but she’s not Julie Andrews.
Me: Who is, really?

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Archdukes

July 10, 2018

Me: There should be other drag ranks, besides king and queen—like drag archdukes.

Ho!

July 8, 2018

Fourteen-Year-Old: Damn, Angelina, you a ho!

Shock

June 18, 2018

Me: Turn off the PlayStation. And pick up that DVD case.
Six-Year-Old: It’s the case for “Blow Shock.”

Flipping

June 17, 2018

Six-Year-Old: Why are you being such fu–… flipping idiots?

Swampy

June 15, 2018

Former Synagogue President: It doesn’t mean we can’t consider selling an aging, inefficient building that’s sited on a “swampy hole,” as I like to say it.
Me: We prefer the term “rain garden.”

Cannot Not

May 19, 2018

Me: I need to tell her about that.
Fourteen-Year-Old: Can you not?
Me: No, I cannot not.

Semtex

April 29, 2018

Me: I was thinking of Semtex.
Wife: You can’t just add “x” to something to make it an explosive.

Quotes

April 22, 2018

Fourteen-Year-Old: Oh man, I have so many senior quotes.

Lemon

April 17, 2018

Six-Year-Old: Poor Lemon,
Me: What? “Lemon”?
Six-Year-Old: “Lemon.”
Me: Did you say “Lemon”?
Six-Year-Old: Yeah, “Lemon.” Lemon is dead.