Rebel

October 19, 2017

Five-Year-Old: I’m going to make a rebel crab!
Wife: A rebel crab?

It just looks like a crab with a gun.
Five-Year-Old: Yes, it’s a rebel crab.

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Agreement

October 16, 2017

Me: Since reading the hed for the news story, I have found myself wondering whether stripping naked in public automatically counts as an act of gender presentation in agreement with anatomical sex.

Charcoal

October 14, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old: What was that over there? It looks like somebody threw a charcoal balloon. I don’t know what that it, but I just made it up.

Rap

October 13, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old: I can’t rap that fast in Korean.

Misheard

October 10, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old: I’m pretty sure I misheard that too, but did you say, “Yes, twerking is working”?

Confirmed

September 19, 2017

Wife: We now have a green house. All our electricity usage is offset.
Thirteen-Year-Old: I thought it was blue… and yellow and…. Wait, those colors make green! Mind blown!
Wife: Illuminati!
Thirteen-Year-Old: “Confirmed.” You didn’t say, “Confirmed.”

Blonde

September 14, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old: So, I saw blond Ella in the auditorium.
Wife: Blella.
Thirteen-Year-Old: That’s a good nickname for it.
Me: It’s like a ship name for her and her hair.

Five-Year-Old: Stop taking it away when I call it “beer,” or you’re going to get a heart attack!

Orthopedist

September 12, 2017

Me: Do you have an appointment with the orthopedist?
Wife: I like how you pretend that you’re good at helping people manage their medical problems.
Me: I feel like it should be pronounced or-THOP-uh-dist.
Wife: There it is.

Document

September 2, 2017

Five-Year-Old: Get the document.
Ten-Year-Old: [unintelligible]
Five-Year-Old: It’s a document!
Ten-Year-Old: [unintelligible]
Five-Year-Old: Get the document!