Plutarch

August 13, 2017

Me: I didn’t realize that [Thirteen-Year-Old’s] stuffed cat “Plu” was really named “Plutarch,” for his many lives.

Question

August 10, 2017

Ten-Year-Old: Whaaaaa!
Me: Are you alright?
Ten-Year-Old: I said, “Whasaaa!”
Me: That doesn’t answer my question.

Thirteen-Year-Old: My boots will be here tomorrow.
Wife: “Boobs”?

Smexy

August 6, 2017

Me: I’m too smexy for….

No.

People

July 26, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old: Why are people so…? Like, why are people so…? Why are people…? What? What? Why?

Huffing

July 22, 2017

Wife: Stop huffing your stuffed cat!
Me: Blog.
Thirteen-Year-Old: I’m not huffing. I’m snorting it.

Unzipped

July 15, 2017

Wife: What’s the matter with your pants?
Me: Oh, they’re unzipped, and they have a hole—a bunch of holes.
Thirteen-Year-Old: I heard, “What’s the matter with your penis?”

Bonus

July 10, 2017

Five-Year-Old: How do you say, “bonus room,” in English?

Sexy

July 1, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old: This is a sexy pen.
Wife: This is a sexy pen?
Me: This is a sexy pen!

Nutlantis

June 18, 2017

Five-Year-Old: Nutlantis
Me: “Atlantis”?
Five-Year-Old: Nutlantis. It’s full of nuts.
Me: Well, it would be.
Five-Year-Old: It’s the lost city of nuts, the lost city of Nutlantis.