June 18, 2017

Five-Year-Old: Nutlantis
Me: “Atlantis”?
Five-Year-Old: Nutlantis. It’s full of nuts.
Me: Well, it would be.
Five-Year-Old: It’s the lost city of nuts, the lost city of Nutlantis.


June 11, 2017

Nine-Year-Old: Do you want it in Spanish?
Wife: [Nine-Year-Old], it’s his.
Nine-Year-Old: It’s just weird, though.
Electronic Toy Keyboard: Zapato.
Five-Year-Old: “Shoes”? “Z” starts with “shoes”?


June 10, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old: “You should blog: Me and daughter agreed that so-and-so is ‘fake news.'”


May 26, 2017

Five-Year-Old: I made it roll down and hit the bunny in the butt! What the hell!

I mean, What the heck!


May 7, 2017

Wife: Did you just say, “geriatric popsicles”?


April 21, 2017

Me: I will place “syphilis” in quotes.
Wife: How will that help?


April 15, 2017

Five-Year-Old: That place is glowing blue again! It’s blowing glue again!


March 18, 2017

Nine-Year-Old: Dad, was Blackbeard a real person?
Me: Yes, his real name was Edward Teach.
Five-Year-Old: That’s his Hebrew name.

Congratulations to my bat mitzvah, on her birthday today!


March 15, 2017

Me: Anime isn’t a style. It’s a provenance.


March 10, 2017

Twelve-Year-Old: It’s a warehouse.
Wife: So it turns into a house on the full moon?