Racism

December 12, 2019

Me: There is a lot of racism between white sasquatches and brown sasquatches. You do not want to call an abominable snowman a “bigfoot.”

Genes

December 4, 2019

Seven-Year-Old: What do you call blue DNA?
Me: I don’t know. What?
Seven-Year-Old: “Genes.”

Plywood

November 27, 2019

Me [to Twelve-Year-Old]: Oh, are we playing the stick-out-the-lip game?

I won.

My phone thinks I said “plywood.”

Mushroom

November 13, 2019

Friend: Have you heard the word of the mushroom?

Blasting

November 10, 2019

Me: Blasting gelatinous cube.

Wagons

November 3, 2019

Seven-Year-Old: “Dungeons and wagons”—it sounds like an Oregon version of Dungeons & Dragons.

Strength

October 3, 2019

Me: Yeah, I really wanted to go to a site named “rope strength club dot com”!
Twelve-Year-Old: What?
Seven-Year-Old: Did you really want to do that?
Me: No!

Lane

September 12, 2019

Me: The turn lane, lunchmeat, use it.

Pardon

August 30, 2019

Fifteen-Year-Old: Pardon me for not knowing the Korean word for pickle.

Harold

August 27, 2019

Wife: Everyone knows “Harold” was not Jesus’s middle name. It was something like “Shmuel.”