May 16, 2019

Seven-Year-Old: When do we get the entertainment thingy?
Wife: I have to buy it from IKEA.
Seven-Year-Old: Who’s IKEA? Is that one of your friends?



May 15, 2019

Me: Maybe he’s some kind of were-vegetable.
Wife: What.


May 7, 2019

Friend: Her jaw is closed like a crocodile’s, but she’s still talking.


May 1, 2019

Me: I have one nonnegotiable linguistic peeve: Don’t quote in Latin things that were originally in Greek!


April 21, 2019

Friend: I named them “Philips.” They looked like sand mermaids.


April 17, 2019

Me: The name dates back to when people thought meteors were an atmospheric phenomenon, rather than an astronomical one.
Eleven-Year-Old: Yeah, exploding raindrops.


April 1, 2019

Whiteboard Writing: today
will be better
than yesterday
if you try
dish soap


March 24, 2019

Friend: You can go to a restaurant and buy a tiny little loaf of bread. What’s that called?
Me: “A roll”?
Friend: “A roll”!


March 23, 2019

Friend: So, the dude is dead.
Me: Long live the dude.

It was random that this came up on my own forty-second birthday, actually.


March 7, 2019

Me: They’re coming downstream, from Downstream, which is upstream.