Cannot Not

May 19, 2018

Me: I need to tell her about that.
Fourteen-Year-Old: Can you not?
Me: No, I cannot not.

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Semtex

April 29, 2018

Me: I was thinking of Semtex.
Wife: You can’t just add “x” to something to make it an explosive.

Quotes

April 22, 2018

Fourteen-Year-Old: Oh man, I have so many senior quotes.

Lemon

April 17, 2018

Six-Year-Old: Poor Lemon,
Me: What? “Lemon”?
Six-Year-Old: “Lemon.”
Me: Did you say “Lemon”?
Six-Year-Old: Yeah, “Lemon.” Lemon is dead.

Name

April 15, 2018

Six-Year-Old: “Money,” that’s my name.

Whoose

April 12, 2018

Fourteen-Year-Old: I sound like a dying moose-whale. “Mhale.” “Whoose.”

Disingenuous

April 11, 2018

Fourteen-Year-Old: I’m really disingenuous right now.

Aesthetically

April 5, 2018

Fourteen-Year-Old: That’s like super aesthetically fucking me up.

Spiel

March 27, 2018

Rabbi: Let’s get this spiel out of the gutter.

Screws

March 11, 2018

Me: There’s that thing you can use to attach it to the wall.
Wife: Yeah, I should really do that.
Ten-Year-Old: Screws: have you heard of them?
Wife: Why do you… can’t even… really… that… say… now?
Five-Year-Old: Mom, why did you talk like that now?