Lane

September 12, 2019

Me: The turn lane, lunchmeat, use it.

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Pardon

August 30, 2019

Fifteen-Year-Old: Pardon me for not knowing the Korean word for pickle.

Harold

August 27, 2019

Wife: Everyone knows “Harold” was not Jesus’s middle name. It was something like “Shmuel.”

Wouldn’t

August 23, 2019

Friend: I wouldn’t say what’s at ground level is a “hellscape,” but it’s almost a hellscape.

Fortition

August 22, 2019

Me: I hate fortition.

Atrocity

August 7, 2019

Friend: You have created another atrocity—a monstrosity, an abomination.
Me: It’s not an “atrocity.” Call it an “enormity.”

Infested

July 19, 2019

Seven-Year-Old: Dummy!
Twelve-Year-Old: Call me a “dummy” again, and I’ll throw you into shark-infested waters!
Seven-Year-Old: Dummy!

Milk

July 18, 2019

Seven-Year-Old: Dad, [Twelve-Year-Old]’s calling me “milk rock”!

Morse

July 13, 2019

Twelve-Year-Old: Stop giving me Morse code!

Bus

July 2, 2019

Me: They have a bus named “Noah.”