May 7, 2017

Wife: Did you just say, “geriatric popsicles”?


April 21, 2017

Me: I will place “syphilis” in quotes.
Wife: How will that help?


April 15, 2017

Five-Year-Old: That place is glowing blue again! It’s blowing glue again!


March 18, 2017

Nine-Year-Old: Dad, was Blackbeard a real person?
Me: Yes, his real name was Edward Teach.
Five-Year-Old: That’s his Hebrew name.

Congratulations to my bat mitzvah, on her birthday today!


March 15, 2017

Me: Anime isn’t a style. It’s a provenance.


March 10, 2017

Twelve-Year-Old: It’s a warehouse.
Wife: So it turns into a house on the full moon?


March 7, 2017

Wife: That wasn’t very polite.
Nine-Year-Old: Dad was being an idiot.
Wife: He was telling a joke. Would you like it if you were telling a joke, and somebody heard what you said and called you an idiot?
Nine-Year-Old: Should I have called him “stupid” instead?


March 5, 2017

Colleague: Here’s a bunch of words you can use for your theory.


March 3, 2017

Me: Could you have your internal monologue internally?
Twelve-Year-Old: No, that’s impossible.


February 24, 2017

Twelve-Year-Old: See you later, alligator. After a while, crocodile.
Me: It’s not bad, Hobo Dad.