Difference

Twelve-Year-Old: I hear the sound of a giant octopus.
Wife: How can you tell the difference between that and the sound of Jell-o falling off somebody’s butt?
…
I don’t know why I said that.

Club

Me: I think the club’s going to break.
Friend: Whatever. It’s just a stick that I picked up and club-ized.

Owns

Me: With a haircut like that, it’s no wonder that Lilith owns his soul.

Total

Cousin: I’m a total pumpkin spice whore.

Lookalike

Me: We’re here with a Louis C. K. lookalike, talking to himself about how the Chinese martial art he is practicing is fundamentally different from karate.

Spite

Friend: The giant raptor, in spite of you speaking its language, still ignores you.

CG

Me:  Look if there’s cheap CG outside eating reality.

Fleece

Me: If this new medication I’m taking is not nicknamed “golden fleece,” then it should be.

Bowed

Friend: You could have bowed to the mummy king, but no.

Member

Cousin: Are you now, or have you ever been, a member of the vegetarian party?