February 14, 2017

Twelve-Year-Old [after taking a drink]: Extremely lacking.
Me: Are you reviewing the water, or what?


February 12, 2017

Four-Year-Old: How did the chicken get across the bridge?
Me: I don’t know. How did the chicken get across the bridge?
Four-Year-Old: He poured out some chocolate milk and slided across the bridge.

On the chocolate milk.


February 11, 2017

Wife: There’s something on your face.

Oh, it’s just water.

It looked like weird cheese.


February 8, 2017

Me: Oh, we’re out of taco spice.

And, uh, we have a lot of taco-flavored rice.


February 5, 2017

Me: So I will pick up all the children, and you will pick up all the vegetables.

Dog Food

January 22, 2017

Wife: You are not buying dog food from Bruegger’s!


January 21, 2017

Twelve-Year-Old: The shepherd’s pie will sustain me.


January 15, 2017

Me: I think I should start referring to bacon fat as “fused pig.”


January 14, 2017

Me: This time, we can add even more chili oil.
Wife: Why?
Me: [Friend] can handle it.

So long as he doesn’t handle his junk afterward.


January 6, 2017

Wife: Ah, there… it’s kicking in.
Me: Oh, good.
Wife: No, there’s a middle ground between competent and drunk—“competrunk.”
Me: “Competrunk”?
Wife: I think I’m on the wrong side of competrunk.