Poisoning

June 24, 2019

Colleague: I think I had food poisoning during my talk.

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Sparkly

June 20, 2019

Friend: I’m eighty-five European years old, drinking dirty sunglasses, sitting on a sparkly couch, throwing darts.

Luxury

May 31, 2019

Student: I am currently a big fan of cheap sunglasses and other luxury drinks.

Sheep

May 30, 2019

Colleague [reading]: “Tuesday we drink sheep.”
What does that even mean?

Pimento

May 25, 2019

First Colleague: What is that substance?
Me: Pimento cheese.
First Colleague: Oh, okay.
Second Colleague: I like how you called it a “substance.”

Top

May 17, 2019

Me: What’s on top of it?
Eleven-Year-Old: The jam house!

Were-Vegetable

May 15, 2019

Me: Maybe he’s some kind of were-vegetable.
Wife: What.

Obviously

May 13, 2019

Seven-Year-Old: He’s obviously an avocado.

Hygiene

May 12, 2019

Eleven-Year-Old: If it smells like butt hole, it’s dill.
Wife: I’m impressed by your but hole hygiene if it smells like dill.

Businessman

May 11, 2019

Seven-Year-Old: Now he looks so much more like a businessman.
Me: Your avocado?
Seven-Year-Old: A business avocado.