March 16, 2017

Wife: It doesn’t really taste like a lemon or a lime. It tastes like what an alien might think lemon or lime tastes like if you just told them about it.


March 8, 2017

Five-Year-Old: I’m on the baconator.

Wife: Why do you smell like Chinese sweat?


February 26, 2017

Wife: My body’s all jacked up on meat and caffeine.


February 21, 2017

Me: Ooh, it’s filled with those edible packing!
Wife: Do you want some?
Me: No, thanks. I ate enough of them in high school for a lifetime.
Wife: High school? They didn’t exist then. You were eating styrofoam.


February 14, 2017

Twelve-Year-Old [after taking a drink]: Extremely lacking.
Me: Are you reviewing the water, or what?


February 12, 2017

Four-Year-Old: How did the chicken get across the bridge?
Me: I don’t know. How did the chicken get across the bridge?
Four-Year-Old: He poured out some chocolate milk and slided across the bridge.

On the chocolate milk.


February 11, 2017

Wife: There’s something on your face.

Oh, it’s just water.

It looked like weird cheese.


February 8, 2017

Me: Oh, we’re out of taco spice.

And, uh, we have a lot of taco-flavored rice.


February 5, 2017

Me: So I will pick up all the children, and you will pick up all the vegetables.