Chocolate Water

February 17, 2018

Six-Year-Old: There’s chocolate water frozen on my granola bar, Dad.



February 14, 2018

Six-Year-Old: When the dog is going down the stairs, from the back it looks like a turkey like you eat on Thanksgiving, for some reason.


February 13, 2018

Six-Year-Old: Ow! I just smacked myself in the head with lettuce.


January 31, 2018

Me: [Five-Year-Old], do you want to go to Five Guys?
Five-Year-Old: Yeah, Five Guys! I’m going to FIve Guys!

Is this loaded?


January 27, 2018

First Friend: If we see another boat with a few people, we should all go over there and do a stealth kill.
Me: Why would we do that?
First Friend: Because they have stuff, and we need stuff.
Me: We do not need stuff!
Second Friend: But we want more stuff.
Me: We have eighty pounds of panther jerky.
First Friend: I have eighty pounds of panther jerky.
Me: You aren’t carrying it all on you, and I’ve been eating some of it, and you haven’t noticed, because I’m invisible.


January 26, 2018

First Friend: I’ve got like eighty pounds of panther jerky.

Me: Cool story, bro.
Second Friend: You’re telling us this, why?


January 24, 2018

Me: You are arguing about who gets to hold the cheez-its box. It does. Not. Matter.
Ten-Year-Old: If you’re going to be like that, give them to me.


January 23, 2018

Me: I would hope that every person you ate was raw.


January 6, 2018

Wife: You smell like bacon gumdrops.
Me: What a surprise.


January 4, 2018

Me: You draw a peanut at the bottom, and the peanut is on fire.