Dance Move

October 14, 2018

Eleven-Year-Old: Can I do broccoli?
Wife: That sounds like a new dance move.

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Microwaves

October 11, 2018

Fourteen-Year-Old: Microwaves are just spicy refrigerators.

Petit

October 8, 2018

Fourteen-Year-Old: You know how wombats poop in cubes?
Me: Yes.
Fourteen-Year-Old: Well petit fours are the angel equivalent of that.

Hitler

October 7, 2018

Wife: Dude, if Hitler’s coming to a synagogue farmers’ market in 2018, WAKE THE FUCK UP, because that’s not real.

Dino

October 5, 2018

Me: I’m going to watch Cupcake and Dino until I find something that makes sense.

Thinking

October 4, 2018

Fourteen-Year-Old: I don’t know if I’m going to eat, because I started thinking.

Herring

September 25, 2018

Me: Oh, I think there’s something you’ll like, [Six-Year-Old]. [Aunt], show him the pickled herring salad.

Snacks

September 15, 2018

Eleven-Year-Old: There’s a new vending machine for healthy snacks. It’s empty.

Punching

September 12, 2018

Wife: Why was he punching the watermelon?
Me: Apparently, that’s what one does.

Wasting

September 5, 2018

Me: It is not wasting food to eat it.