Nuke

April 16, 2019

Seven-Year-Old: What kind of ABC potato super nuke did we find?

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Three-D

April 15, 2019

Seven-Year-Old: That cake was not even that three-d.

Sauce

April 11, 2019

Fourteen-Year-Old: I’m such a whore for good sauce.

Niche

March 28, 2019

Me: There’s a number of scavengers who specialize in eating bones. It’s an ecological niche.

Falcon

March 26, 2019

Eleven-Year-Old: I would have eaten the falcon.

Roll

March 24, 2019

Friend: You can go to a restaurant and buy a tiny little loaf of bread. What’s that called?
Me: “A roll”?
Friend: “A roll”!

Worships

March 20, 2019

Eleven-Year-Old: He worships bacon.

Rainbows

March 15, 2019

Eleven-Year-Old: I had a cupcake yesterday.
Me: That’s great.
Eleven-Year-Old: I didn’t have any more. I practically puked rainbows.

Presents

March 4, 2019

Seven-Year-Old: Is that one of my presents?
Wife: No, it’s a jar of peanut butter.

Pound

February 27, 2019

Wife [to Seven-Year-Old]: I made you…

… a five-pound cake.