December 13, 2018

Eleven-Year-Old: It looks like sludge, and it tastes like it. Glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug.



December 4, 2018

Eleven-Year-Old: Butter me up, Scotty!
Wife: “Butter me up, Scotty!”? That’s, like, the worst Star Trek slashfic ever.

Giant Taco

December 1, 2018

Six-Year-Old: The giant taco on top of me is going to explode, and then we’ll fly to Chicago.


November 14, 2018

Wife: Don’t eat poop cheetos.
Six-Year-Old: It’s a joke.
Wife: Don’t eat poop cheetos. That’s not a joke.


November 13, 2018

Me: I don’t think non-Spanish-speaking, vegetarian, teenage girls are one of their main target demographics.


November 12, 2018

Me: Spiders in the toaster? Seriously, what the heck?


November 1, 2018

Me: Ow!
Six-Year-Old: What is it?
Me: I just bit into a plum, and I got piece of the pit stuck between my teeth!


October 31, 2018

Game Master: He points at you and says some words; and you feel a little sleepy, then nothing.
Eleven-Year-Old: I drank my coffee this morning.
Me: I thought elves didn’t drink coffee.
Eleven-Year-Old: Shut up! I’m trying to tell a good story.


October 25, 2018

Me: I found a box of moldy figs in my desk.

Dance Move

October 14, 2018

Eleven-Year-Old: Can I do broccoli?
Wife: That sounds like a new dance move.