March 16, 2017
Wife: It doesn’t really taste like a lemon or a lime. It tastes like what an alien might think lemon or lime tastes like if you just told them about it.
March 8, 2017
Five-Year-Old: I’m on the baconator.
February 27, 2017
Wife: Why do you smell like Chinese sweat?
February 26, 2017
Wife: My body’s all jacked up on meat and caffeine.
February 21, 2017
Me: Ooh, it’s filled with those edible packing!
Wife: Do you want some?
Me: No, thanks. I ate enough of them in high school for a lifetime.
Wife: High school? They didn’t exist then. You were eating styrofoam.
February 14, 2017
Twelve-Year-Old [after taking a drink]: Extremely lacking.
Me: Are you reviewing the water, or what?
February 12, 2017
Four-Year-Old: How did the chicken get across the bridge?
Me: I don’t know. How did the chicken get across the bridge?
Four-Year-Old: He poured out some chocolate milk and slided across the bridge.
On the chocolate milk.
February 11, 2017
Wife: There’s something on your face.
Oh, it’s just water.
It looked like weird cheese.
February 8, 2017
Me: Oh, we’re out of taco spice.
And, uh, we have a lot of taco-flavored rice.
February 5, 2017
Me: So I will pick up all the children, and you will pick up all the vegetables.