November 21, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old: Aaah! My butt! Why did you throw chocolate chips at my butt?
Wife: Becuase you’re semi sweet.



November 9, 2017

Five-Year-Old: It’s a gummi bowl! All of them are hiding from a giant spoon!


November 2, 2017

Wife: I just massaged eighty avocados for you. You’re welcome.


October 25, 2017

Wife: What are you, a pig?
Five-Year-Old: Yeah, I’m a pig. I use bacon powers.


October 24, 2017

Me: He’s in a bad mood, because he got in trouble for making a mess with his taco.


October 22, 2017

Wife: Please stop whatever it is you’re doing over your plate… with that taco bag.


October 6, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old: This dinner is a ruse.
Me: What?
Thirteen-Year-Old: Nothing.
Me: Is that something you are listening to?
Five-Year-Old: This dinner is a ruse. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
This dinner is a ruse. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
This dinner is a rooster. This dinner is a roo… ster. Oh, yeah.


October 5, 2017

Wife: Let’s stop baptizing kitchen implements and see what we need to do for dinner.


September 22, 2017

Wife: What about this is funny?!
Ten-Year-Old: The pizza in the luggage.
Wife: Okay, you’re not entirely wrong about that.


September 21, 2017

Wife: Use this as a tool for self betterment. And don’t hide pizza crusts in luggage!