Marble

June 21, 2018

Wife: He’s not well marbled. He’s a marble.

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Hear About

June 11, 2018

Wife: So, you don’t want to hear about the cannibal?

Ears

June 9, 2018

Me: He’s got meat in his ears.

Lettuce

June 8, 2018

Fourteen-Year-Old’s Friend: I’m scared of lettuce.

Cannibal

June 7, 2018

Wife: He’s not cannibal crazy.

Tracing

June 3, 2018

Wife: Why are you tracing that, with a burger?

Turn

May 27, 2018

Fourteen-Year-Old: It’s my turn to buy all the drinks.

Filling

May 24, 2018

Me: There’s something unsettling about seeing a nine-months-pregnant woman filling her shopping cart with wine.

Under-Ripe

May 23, 2018

Me: I had fruit salad at lunch, which was mostly slightly under-ripe pineapple, and now my mouth feels funny.

Good

May 18, 2018

Ten-Year-Old: I want something good to eat and drink.
Me: So, you don’t want a breakfast bar?
Ten-Year-Old: Yes.
Me: You do or you don’t?
Ten-Year-Old: Yes.
Me: You do or you don’t?
Ten-Year-Old: Yes.