May 25, 2017

Five-Year-Old: I want to make it raining radishes.


May 18, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old: It looks like you have a big white poppy seed on your eyelash.


May 17, 2017

Me: I was thinking of candied beef strips, like how you can candy citrus peel.
Wife: You mean by boiling them for a long time in sugar water?
Me: Okay, that wouldn’t work, would it?
Wife: No, but at least you would have a disgusting mess… that nobody would want to try. So there’s that.


May 12, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old: I need gallium, a spoon mold, and some tea.


May 8, 2017

Me: So what kinds of drugs were in the batter?
Wife: Opioids. What else am I addicted to?
Me: Mead?


May 7, 2017

Wife: Did you just say, “geriatric popsicles”?

Me: Here.
Wife: Olives and French toast. There we go.
Me [singing]: Breakfast of champions.


May 2, 2017

Me: Do you want some syrup?
Five-Year-Old: Yes, as long as Mommy can’t see me.
Me: Why?
Five-Year-Old: Because Mommy said I couldn’t have syrup.


April 30, 2017

Nine-Year-Old: Let’s see if they have coconut cars.


April 29, 2017

Me: There’s more to having rabbits than them just sitting around and being cute and eating carrots. They also poop.