Haunted

Brother: My friend recorded our entire trip in a haunted house. It was mostly my other friend screaming.

Ultimate

Brother: “Bear check”—it sounds like the ultimate modern American story.
Me: You make it sound like The Great Gatsby.

True

Cousin: You’d have to have two people inside the bear!
Brother [laughing]: It’s true!

Freaky

Me: Unless you’re into freaky cheeses, “with ash” on a cheese ought to be a clue that you don’t want to drink it.
Cousin: You said “drink.”
Brother: You should do a few shots of cheese in the morning.

Stenographer

Brother: Shall we all play pool?
Me: Oh, God.
Other Brother: You can just stand there and be our stenographer

Jerky

Me: That’s why they make women tough—to make them able to withstand pregnancy.
Wife: I thought it was so that no one would try to make us into jerky.

Hitch

Wife: I want to put a tow hitch on the minivan, now that I’ve got something…
Brother-in-Law: What do you want to tow?
Me: Oh, she doesn’t want to tow anything. She just wants somewhere to hang the truck nuts.

Hamster

Me: She’s an unconventional conformist.
Wife [sighing]: I’m a hipster.
Four-Year-Old: She’s not a hamster!

Christmas

Four-Year-Old: Christmas trees do not have hands.
Seven-Year-Old: No, they don’t.
Four-Year-Old: And they don’t belong on boats. They belong on Christmas.

Auntie

Wife: Where’s [two-year-old son of friend]?
Different Friend’s Daughter: His auntie took him away to play. I feel like his auntie is replacing me while I eat.