September 30, 2013

Wife: I love you!
[Kisses One-Year-Old]
What is in your hair?
Nine-Year-Old: Hair?
Wife: Some kind of bad-tasting lint.


September 29, 2013

Me: The first Robin was named…
Six-Year-Old: Artemis!


September 28, 2013

Wife: Martin Luther had a poop philosophy.
Me: “I have a poop philosophy today!”
Wife: Not King!


September 27, 2013

Me: You and I have different poop philosophies.


September 26, 2013

Me: Can you get your elbow out of that?
Nine-Year-Old: Oh, sorry. I didn’t realize that was your leg.
Me: What did you think it was?
Nine-Year-Old: The couch.
Me: Is the couch warm and hairy?
Wife: Aaah! We need a new couch!


September 25, 2013

Wife [reading her Words With Friends letters]: W, T, T, F.
Me: Window to the Fuck?


September 24, 2013

Wife: And the U. S. government has a sketchy green van.
Me: You think that’s sketchy? It’s in good condition… flex fuel. It doesn’t cry out to me, “Rape van,” or something.


September 23, 2013

Me: I slept really funny. Pillow gave me meningitis.


September 22, 2013

Me: Chewing gum with real butter.
Wife: Gum with real butter. That’ll do it.


September 21, 2013

Wife: I don’t know what that is you’re describing, but it’s probably a stroke.