March 31, 2013
Brother: Death really tends to piss people off, especially foreigners.
March 30, 2013
Wife: Did I delete that in a pit of fique?
March 29, 2013
Me: What was that thing that sounded like a bunch of bean bags sliding down a mountain?
March 28, 2013
Wife: Is that a snake in a hat?
Well, it’s actually a snake wearing a snake that swallowed an elephant.
March 27, 2013
Wife: Don’t steal the baby’s bread!
March 26, 2013
Wife: I don’t want our bed to be a metaphor.
Me: It isn’t.
Wife: It’s not a metaphor, but it could be a metaphor too, if you know what I mean.
March 25, 2013
Me: How come you never see graphite-based personal lubricants?
Wife: The only thing you need personal lubricants for is sex.
Me: I know.
Wife: Is there something else you need to use personal lubricant for? Because you might want to get that seen by a doctor.
Wife: There’s no way you’re getting anywhere near me with graphite on your wang.
March 24, 2013
Five-Year-Old: “Cool” and “awesome” are boy words.
March 23, 2013
Colleague: There is no high culture underground.
How about that. It’s my birthday.