Foreigners

March 31, 2013

Brother: Death really tends to piss people off, especially foreigners.

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Fique?

March 30, 2013

Wife: Did I delete that in a pit of fique?

Bean Bags

March 29, 2013

Me: What was that thing that sounded like a bunch of bean bags sliding down a mountain?

Wearing a Snake

March 28, 2013

Wife: Is that a snake in a hat?
Me: Yes.

Well, it’s actually a snake wearing a snake that swallowed an elephant.

Steal

March 27, 2013

Wife: Don’t steal the baby’s bread!

Metaphor

March 26, 2013

Wife: I don’t want our bed to be a metaphor.
Me: It isn’t.
Wife: It’s not a metaphor, but it could be a metaphor too, if you know what I mean.

Graphite

March 25, 2013

Me: How come you never see graphite-based personal lubricants?
Wife: The only thing you need personal lubricants for is sex.
Me: I know.
Wife: Is there something else you need to use personal lubricant for? Because you might want to get that seen by a doctor.
Me: No.
Wife: There’s no way you’re getting anywhere near me with graphite on your wang.

Cool

March 24, 2013

Five-Year-Old: “Cool” and “awesome” are boy words.

Culture

March 23, 2013

Colleague: There is no high culture underground.

How about that. It’s my birthday.

Rinderpest

March 22, 2013

Me: I want a new voice mail message—one that says something like, “If you believe that your goat may have rinderpest, press one.”