January 31, 2013

Me: Wild Women of Wongo.
Wife: Really?
Me: I think so.
Wife: Awesome.


January 30, 2013

Wife [pointing at breast milk]: That needs to be frozen.
Me: Why?
Wife: Because.

Me: Because, science!
Wife: I see you’re learning. I would have though the scientist would have figured that out already.
Me: I love the science of breasts: mammology.
Wife: “Mammology”?
Me: I’m surprised you don’t like it. Your other choice was “boobics.”
Wife: “Boobics”? Why not “boobistry”?
Me: That’s where I read your future from your breast.
Wife: Or “boobineering”?


January 29, 2013

Me: Isn’t sex supposed to stimulate milk production?
Wife: In the sense that it could get you pregnant, sure.


January 28, 2013

Me: The ultimate gag gift for my father would be The Big Pink and Blue Book of Gay Nautical Erotica, if it existed.


January 27, 2013

Wife: You can’t eat in the pantry. We’re not goths.

Eats Like

January 26, 2013

Me: It’s a fruit leather that eats like a meal.


January 25, 2013

Me: Great. Now I’m that guy with a broken beer bottle in his driveway.


January 24, 2013

Me: We should make it a game. We have to have sex once in each garment before we give it away.
Wife: No! No! I want them to give them away before 2050! No!


January 23, 2013

Me [describing what I’m doing in little old lady voice]: I’m just going to sit here, wrapped in my blanket in my rocking chair. No sound effects!


January 22, 2013

Wife: Are you willing to buy SPAM if it’s going on a heavenly ham loaf with pickle stuffing?
Me: Yeah!