January 30, 2013
Wife [pointing at breast milk]: That needs to be frozen.
Me: Because, science!
Wife: I see you’re learning. I would have though the scientist would have figured that out already.
Me: I love the science of breasts: mammology.
Me: I’m surprised you don’t like it. Your other choice was “boobics.”
Wife: “Boobics”? Why not “boobistry”?
Me: That’s where I read your future from your breast.
Wife: Or “boobineering”?
January 29, 2013
Me: Isn’t sex supposed to stimulate milk production?
Wife: In the sense that it could get you pregnant, sure.
January 28, 2013
Me: The ultimate gag gift for my father would be The Big Pink and Blue Book of Gay Nautical Erotica, if it existed.
January 25, 2013
Me: Great. Now I’m that guy with a broken beer bottle in his driveway.
January 24, 2013
Me: We should make it a game. We have to have sex once in each garment before we give it away.
Wife: No! No! I want them to give them away before 2050! No!
January 23, 2013
Me [describing what I’m doing in little old lady voice]: I’m just going to sit here, wrapped in my blanket in my rocking chair. No sound effects!
January 22, 2013
Wife: Are you willing to buy SPAM if it’s going on a heavenly ham loaf with pickle stuffing?