July 28, 2016
Me: So, what happens if [Friend] spends the whole one hundred thousand dollars you borrowed on hookers and blow?
I’d get really mad, because he didn’t share?
July 24, 2016
Me: It’s really just a prisoner’s dilemma problem, except that the other prisoner is God.
July 9, 2016
Me: What would you like to eat? We have lasagna, or shepherd’s pie, or… uh… uh… matzoh ball soup.
Wife: I want four… four.
June 15, 2016
Twelve-Year-Old: Practically everybody has a theme by the time they’re, like, seven.
May 11, 2016
Me: What’s the deductible on arson?
May 2, 2016
Me: If you didn’t understand fraction or reproduction, that could make sense.
April 8, 2016
Eight-Year-Old: Four plus three is seven. You’ve got to know your addition, mister!
March 7, 2016
Brother: Six inches of length…. Why does that sound…? Obvious reasons.
January 4, 2016
Cousin: If we cram a bunch of people into it, it won’t be that expensive.
Don’t take that out of context.