World

December 5, 2016

Me: I know the only person in the world who writes MATHNET fan fiction.

Borrowed

July 28, 2016

Me: So, what happens if [Friend] spends the whole one hundred thousand dollars you borrowed on hookers and blow?
Wife:
I’d get really mad, because he didn’t share?

Dilemma

July 24, 2016

Me: It’s really just a prisoner’s dilemma problem, except that the other prisoner is God.

Four

July 9, 2016

Me: What would you like to eat? We have lasagna, or shepherd’s pie, or… uh… uh… matzoh ball soup.
Wife: I want four… four.

Bat Mitzvah Theme

June 15, 2016

Twelve-Year-Old: Practically everybody has a theme by the time they’re, like, seven.

Deductible

May 11, 2016

Me: What’s the deductible on arson?

Me: If you didn’t understand fraction or reproduction, that could make sense.

Addition

April 8, 2016

Eight-Year-Old: Four plus three is seven. You’ve got to know your addition, mister!

Sound

March 7, 2016

Brother: Six inches of length…. Why does that sound…? Obvious reasons.

Context

January 4, 2016

Cousin: If we cram a bunch of people into it, it won’t be that expensive.

Don’t take that out of context.