October 2, 2019

Me: I am indeed the world’s foremost expert on synchrotron motion with Lorentz violation.



September 17, 2019

Twelve-Year-Old: I’m going to count my candy.


August 17, 2019

Me: You want me to pay for you, forget your wallet.

Very Inaccurate

July 10, 2019

Me: The response letter contains a breezy dismissal of the results of [paper] because “astrophysical polarization measurements limiting the space birefringence are very inaccurate,” in spite of the fact that that paper’s bounds on left/right asymmetries in a class of gravitational interactions are more than twenty orders of magnitude sharper than the measurements discussed in the current manuscript.


June 20, 2019

Friend: I’m eighty-five European years old, drinking dirty sunglasses, sitting on a sparkly couch, throwing darts.


June 12, 2019

Student: Oh, you’re eighty-five in European years.


June 7, 2019

Colleague: Fourteen people in America are killed every year by darts.


May 19, 2019

Me: Since you turned eleven and [Friend] turned fifty, you’ve both shown a lot more maturity.

Eleven-Year-Old: Just a bit. Actually, too much maturity.

May 2, 2019

Eleven-Year-Old: My budget is a sideways eight.


March 9, 2019

Friend: Bees can count to four.
Other Friend: But bees don’t know they can count to four.
Eleven-Year-Old: But bees can’t swim.