June 10, 2018

Synagogue President: Just like a hot dime on an Alabama sidewalk, I invite [Synagogue Board Member] to give his finance chair report.



April 9, 2018

Six-Year-Old: He gets all the secret territories!
Ten-Year-Old: No, I don’t!
Six-Year-Old: But I get two, and he gets three!


January 19, 2018

Me: I just saw a white guy with number six black eyes.


January 10, 2018

Google Maps: Take exit seven A.
Me: What is this, Unseen University?


January 9, 2018

Friend: What is the answer to two plus two?

Two, four, twenty-two, two plus two, forty-two, one thousand one hundred and eleven, and seven A.


June 12, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old: So, are you going to go poop, or what?
Seven o’clock!
Wife: Is that poop time?
Thirteen-Year-Old: No, that’s unrelated, I promise.


March 31, 2017

Me: Sixty million people voted for Trump. A few hundred per year can get their penises stuck in shop vacs.


March 25, 2017

First Friend: Supposedy, we’ve got another dead one back there. Can you give me a guess what would be a fair price to fell?
Second Friend: Tell me what we’re talking about again?


December 5, 2016

Me: I know the only person in the world who writes MATHNET fan fiction.


July 28, 2016

Me: So, what happens if [Friend] spends the whole one hundred thousand dollars you borrowed on hookers and blow?
I’d get really mad, because he didn’t share?