Twenty-Four

October 16, 2018

Receptionist: In twenty-four to forty-eight business days, your form will be ready.

Advertisements

Hipsters

September 30, 2018

Eleven-Year-Old: Math hipsters are annoying.

Seventeenth

September 24, 2018

Six-Year-Old: January? That reminds me of my seventeenth birthday!

Clean

August 18, 2018

Me: Is your room picked up?
Eleven-Year-Old: It’s fabulous.
Me: It’s fabulous?
Eleven-Year-Old: It’s fabulous! Would clean again. Ten out of ten.

Sidewalk

June 10, 2018

Synagogue President: Just like a hot dime on an Alabama sidewalk, I invite [Synagogue Board Member] to give his finance chair report.

Territories

April 9, 2018

Six-Year-Old: He gets all the secret territories!
Ten-Year-Old: No, I don’t!
Six-Year-Old: But I get two, and he gets three!

White

January 19, 2018

Me: I just saw a white guy with number six black eyes.

Exit

January 10, 2018

Google Maps: Take exit seven A.
Me: What is this, Unseen University?

Plus

January 9, 2018

Friend: What is the answer to two plus two?

Two, four, twenty-two, two plus two, forty-two, one thousand one hundred and eleven, and seven A.

Unrelated

June 12, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old: So, are you going to go poop, or what?
Seven o’clock!
Wife: Is that poop time?
Thirteen-Year-Old: No, that’s unrelated, I promise.