June 12, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old: So, are you going to go poop, or what?
Seven o’clock!
Wife: Is that poop time?
Thirteen-Year-Old: No, that’s unrelated, I promise.



March 31, 2017

Me: Sixty million people voted for Trump. A few hundred per year can get their penises stuck in shop vacs.


March 25, 2017

First Friend: Supposedy, we’ve got another dead one back there. Can you give me a guess what would be a fair price to fell?
Second Friend: Tell me what we’re talking about again?


December 5, 2016

Me: I know the only person in the world who writes MATHNET fan fiction.


July 28, 2016

Me: So, what happens if [Friend] spends the whole one hundred thousand dollars you borrowed on hookers and blow?
I’d get really mad, because he didn’t share?


July 24, 2016

Me: It’s really just a prisoner’s dilemma problem, except that the other prisoner is God.


July 9, 2016

Me: What would you like to eat? We have lasagna, or shepherd’s pie, or… uh… uh… matzoh ball soup.
Wife: I want four… four.

Bat Mitzvah Theme

June 15, 2016

Twelve-Year-Old: Practically everybody has a theme by the time they’re, like, seven.


May 11, 2016

Me: What’s the deductible on arson?

Me: If you didn’t understand fraction or reproduction, that could make sense.