March 25, 2017

First Friend: Supposedy, we’ve got another dead one back there. Can you give me a guess what would be a fair price to fell?
Second Friend: Tell me what we’re talking about again?


December 5, 2016

Me: I know the only person in the world who writes MATHNET fan fiction.


July 28, 2016

Me: So, what happens if [Friend] spends the whole one hundred thousand dollars you borrowed on hookers and blow?
I’d get really mad, because he didn’t share?


July 24, 2016

Me: It’s really just a prisoner’s dilemma problem, except that the other prisoner is God.


July 9, 2016

Me: What would you like to eat? We have lasagna, or shepherd’s pie, or… uh… uh… matzoh ball soup.
Wife: I want four… four.

Bat Mitzvah Theme

June 15, 2016

Twelve-Year-Old: Practically everybody has a theme by the time they’re, like, seven.


May 11, 2016

Me: What’s the deductible on arson?

Me: If you didn’t understand fraction or reproduction, that could make sense.


April 8, 2016

Eight-Year-Old: Four plus three is seven. You’ve got to know your addition, mister!


March 7, 2016

Brother: Six inches of length…. Why does that sound…? Obvious reasons.