Nuke

April 16, 2019

Seven-Year-Old: What kind of ABC potato super nuke did we find?

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Welded

April 12, 2019

Wife: You welded a traffic cone to the engine.

Sonic

April 5, 2019

Teen: Just because I have a sonic-screwdriver-shaped dildo, it doesn’t make me a nerd.

Firework

March 31, 2019

Seven-Year-Old: You need a firework or a key.

Leg

March 5, 2019

Seven-Year-Old: Dad, does my leg look like the gun [Eleven-Year-Old] has?
Me: No.
Seven-Year-Old: But it… but it… but it…. Yes, it does.

Trip

March 2, 2019

Me: See? I told you you were going to trip yourself.
Seven-Year-Old: No, that was the floor!

Ghost

March 1, 2019

Me: The washing machine is making ghost noises.

Nudity

February 18, 2019

Wife: They were setting up a gun store run by cats; then there was a huge sniper argument; then lots of nudity.

Hippo’s

February 11, 2019

Eleven-Year-Old [singing]: Get off my car, or I’ll shoot lasers out of the hippo’s eyes.

Hiding

January 28, 2019

Friend: Which one of them is going to be hiding in the Pokeball?