Freaking

February 11, 2018

Thirteen-Year-Old: That is a really freaking sweet-ass curtain rod.

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Tank

February 6, 2018

Six-Year-Old: Did you hear that?
Me: No.
Six-Year-Old: Fairy tale tank!

Window

February 5, 2018

Six-Year-Old: I’m cleaning my window. I have to clean my window, Dad. It has slime on it.

Loaded

January 31, 2018

Me: [Five-Year-Old], do you want to go to Five Guys?
Five-Year-Old: Yeah, Five Guys! I’m going to FIve Guys!

Is this loaded?

Masterminds

January 18, 2018

Ten-Year-Old: All evil masterminds need to have secret cameras, to know when to turn their chairs around.

Sherman

January 17, 2018

Me: I just saw a Sherman tank Jesus T-shirt.

Blower

January 16, 2018

Me: I just saw a guy using a weed whacker as a leaf blower.

Exit

January 10, 2018

Google Maps: Take exit seven A.
Me: What is this, Unseen University?

Upload

January 8, 2018

Ten-Year-Old: Doctors do not upload programs into your brain.
Me: Not in this reality.

Candles

December 21, 2017

Ten-Year-Old: These candles smell like candles, for some reason.
Five-Year-Old: They smell like lights to me.