Blender

December 11, 2018

Eleven-Year-Old: Where’s the Wi-Fi?
Wife: What?
Eleven-Year-Old: Hey Mom, where’s the Wi-Fi?
Wife: It’s in the blender.
Eleven-Year-Old: Why?

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Cliff

December 5, 2018

Wife: I’m gonna go honk off a cliff, y’all!

Bloth

December 2, 2018

Eleven-Year-Old: Bloth, poor Bloth, poor Bloth.

Dispenser

November 30, 2018

Me: This men’s room has the worst toilet paper dispenser in the western world.

Spiders

November 12, 2018

Me: Spiders in the toaster? Seriously, what the heck?

Monitor

November 9, 2018

Me: I can smell that guy’s B. O. through my monitor.

Acid

November 3, 2018

Me: When we get home, I’ll find you a good strong acid video.

Mechanical

October 24, 2018

Six-Year-Old: There has never been a mechanical island in the history of the world.
Me: No, that’s right. There has never been a mechanical island.
Six-Year-Old: In the history of the world!

Jackhammer

October 13, 2018

Friend: You didn’t hear what I said, about how people find different things relaxing. Like the relaxing sound of a jackhammer. So, of course, there are twelve hours of jackhammer noises.

Microwaves

October 11, 2018

Fourteen-Year-Old: Microwaves are just spicy refrigerators.