Thread

September 18, 2019

Me: If you find yourself reading a YouTube comment thread, it’s time to go to bed.

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Pestilence

September 14, 2019

Friend [via text]: The guy next to me at the airport is talking really loudly about his rash over the phone. “Disgusting pestilence on back of thigh” is part of the description.

Lane

September 12, 2019

Me: The turn lane, lunchmeat, use it.

Maniac

September 10, 2019

Seven-Year-Old: He’s just drilling through things like a maniac.

Emojis

August 31, 2019

Friend: I was ordered by my child not to use emojis.

Plug

August 16, 2019

Friend: That’s not anything even anyone who had never heard of one would ask.
Me: Not, “What is a butt plug?” but—
Friend and Me [in unison]: “Why is a butt plug?”

Matlab

August 15, 2019

Friend: I do not like Matlab, Sam-I-Am.

Gales

August 9, 2019

Friend: I can promise you that if you call one of those two numbers, you will only get gales of laughter.

Spring

July 24, 2019

Me: See? I’m using old paper—”spring 1974.”

Rolling

July 11, 2019

Wife: Rolling knife transport—that’s a good idea.