March 27, 2017

Colleague: I just grep-ed to find wherever sasquatches appeared in the legends.


March 23, 2017

Me: If I had the charisma of Anthony Weiner, without the dick pics, would that be so bad?

Forty, over the hill!


February 22, 2017

Co-Worker: They’re sending that out to everyone in comic sans?!


February 21, 2017

Me: Ooh, it’s filled with those edible packing!
Wife: Do you want some?
Me: No, thanks. I ate enough of them in high school for a lifetime.
Wife: High school? They didn’t exist then. You were eating styrofoam.


February 20, 2017

Me: I’m going to take a shower. You haven’t turned off the breaker for the shower too, have you?


February 17, 2017

Wife: If it were a gnome living in a computer, it would be, like, “WebMD says my back isn’t broken. It’s spleenitosis!” That’s why you want ottoman gnomes.


February 16, 2017

Nine-Year-Old: Dad, can you tell [Four-Year-Old] that if his guys are trapped on an island, they can’t have a tank?


February 9, 2017

Me: They’re redirected the chemtrails on this plane internally.


February 4, 2017

Wife: Please stop rubbing your butt on my three phones.
Me: Wasn’t that the name of a sit-com from the sixties—“My Three Phones“?


January 31, 2017

Me: This new toothbrush is so soft. It’s like making love to my mouth!