May 20, 2017

Wife: That was a waste of good dynamite. That was also…
Oh, my face!


May 6, 2017

Nine-Year-Old: There were no cannons in the Roman ages. There was just magic.


May 4, 2017

Five-Year-Old: Credit cards everywhere! Credit card fight!


April 30, 2017

Nine-Year-Old: Let’s see if they have coconut cars.


April 26, 2017

Me: It’s not my fault if you can’t figure out how to use a parking lot.


April 16, 2017

Wife: I don’t think there’s an actual oven blowing up tool.
Five-Year-Old: You can buy one from the store!


April 9, 2017

Me: Bring some Motrin, and leave the bottle.


April 6, 2017

Wife: Anything that is all linty and is like, “Pristine trees were cut down to make this ass-linting toilet paper,” I don’t like that—any of it.


April 5, 2017

Me: A piano is like a moose. You might see one there, but probably–
Wife: “A piano is like a moose”? Really? I almost drove off the road! Why would you say something like that?


April 3, 2017

Me: What do you think of this music?
Wife: Well, it’s a piano… and somebody peeing next to the piano.