June 19, 2018

Wife: You have to pick up more portal poop.



May 31, 2018

Me: Sorry about the delay. I encountered a series of unfortunate events. And while they probably didn’t rise to Handlerian levels, it did culminate with me chasing after a driver on foot, trying to warn her that her car was on fire.


May 15, 2018

Six-Year-Old: My wallet!
Ten-Year-Old: Is it in the freezer?
Six-Year-Old: No, it’s right here! Give me it!
Me: Not now, not while we’re eating. I’ll put your wallet on the freezer.


May 1, 2018

Fourteen-Year-Old: I turned his music down, because it’s terrible.
Wife: Yeah, it really is, isn’t it? I may just block it all at the router.
Me: Heh.
Wife: Oh, you think I’m kidding? Oh, sweety.
Me: Can you block all folk must on YouTube?
Wife: Maybe.
Fourteen-Year-Old: Just block everything on his Favorites list.
Wife: Good idea! What’s your password?
Six-Year-Old [yelling from other room]: Don’t tell her!!!


April 25, 2018

Wife: I hate to show up all sweaty, because it sets off all those x-ray things.


April 23, 2018

Wife: I got a Buber. It was full of milk. It was really gross.


April 8, 2018

Thirteen-Year-Old: That’s it, how monks are born.
Wife: Knife masturbation?


March 29, 2018

Ten-Year-Old: You can’t ride in the same minecart as a chicken. That’s a true fact.


March 17, 2018

Thirteen-Year-Old: Why the hell were you out of the car?
Me: I was gassing it up.
Thirteen-Year-Old: What? Why were you outside?
Me: This is a gas station. I was getting gas.


March 3, 2018

Friend: What is this downloading?
Me: Oh yeah, I signed you up for the Spyware of the Month Club.