Texted

May 28, 2019

Student: The last Punjabi who texted me, my mom had a very interesting night.

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Gondola

May 20, 2019

Friend: All right, get in your lizard gondola, already!

Top

May 17, 2019

Me: What’s on top of it?
Eleven-Year-Old: The jam house!

Thingy

May 16, 2019

Seven-Year-Old: When do we get the entertainment thingy?
Wife: I have to buy it from IKEA.
Seven-Year-Old: Who’s IKEA? Is that one of your friends?

Piss

May 14, 2019

Me: The whole parking lot smells like piss.

Cigars

April 23, 2019

Eleven-Year-Old: How big are the cigars?

Farting

April 20, 2019

Me: Your chair is making farting noises.

Nuke

April 16, 2019

Seven-Year-Old: What kind of ABC potato super nuke did we find?

Welded

April 12, 2019

Wife: You welded a traffic cone to the engine.

Sonic

April 5, 2019

Teen: Just because I have a sonic-screwdriver-shaped dildo, it doesn’t make me a nerd.