February 21, 2017

Me: Ooh, it’s filled with those edible packing!
Wife: Do you want some?
Me: No, thanks. I ate enough of them in high school for a lifetime.
Wife: High school? They didn’t exist then. You were eating styrofoam.


February 20, 2017

Me: I’m going to take a shower. You haven’t turned off the breaker for the shower too, have you?


February 17, 2017

Wife: If it were a gnome living in a computer, it would be, like, “WebMD says my back isn’t broken. It’s spleenitosis!” That’s why you want ottoman gnomes.


February 16, 2017

Nine-Year-Old: Dad, can you tell [Four-Year-Old] that if his guys are trapped on an island, they can’t have a tank?


February 9, 2017

Me: They’re redirected the chemtrails on this plane internally.


February 4, 2017

Wife: Please stop rubbing your butt on my three phones.
Me: Wasn’t that the name of a sit-com from the sixties—“My Three Phones“?


January 31, 2017

Me: This new toothbrush is so soft. It’s like making love to my mouth!


January 28, 2017

Wife: I needed a big round drill bit, but nobody had one. Then [Friend] walked in, and he was like, “I have a solution. Here’s some Oreos and glycerin.”


January 25, 2017

Wife: No, phone. Aah, phone! Jesus, phone! Bad, bad bad phone!

Rock In

January 20, 2017

Me: That’s right. There was a rock in my phone.