September 19, 2017

Wife: We now have a green house. All our electricity usage is offset.
Thirteen-Year-Old: I thought it was blue… and yellow and…. Wait, those colors make green! Mind blown!
Wife: Illuminati!
Thirteen-Year-Old: “Confirmed.” You didn’t say, “Confirmed.”



September 17, 2017

Wife: How am I suddenly subscribed to Mustang Top Racing News?


August 31, 2017

Five-Year-Old: Everybody time surf!


August 29, 2017

Wife: You would starve in a room full of fidget spinners.
Ten-Year-Old: At least she would die happy!


August 24, 2017

Five-Year-Old: Dad, my engine broke!
Me: What engine?
Five-Year-Old: The engine for my boat. Now my boat can’t move?
Me: Okay.
Five-Year-Old: And why aren’t you saying, “Oh, dear!”


August 23, 2017

Wife: Um, you have rohypnol on your laptop?


August 21, 2017

Five-Year-Old: Let’s do an adventure. You start in a village.
Ten-Year-Old: What do I have?
Five-Year-Old: You have some bread, beer, some juice, and those guys that are with you. Your weapons are a bazooka, a ginormous knife, and, uh, and a big gun, and a freeze gun. It can freeze people to ice.


August 18, 2017

Ten-Year-Old: I did all the homework for today.
Me: Good.
Ten-Year-Old: Yay! Then I can do computer time and go, “Flop, flop, slap, slap, slap, slappity slap!”


August 2, 2017

Ten-Year-Old: What is that?

Me: It’s the singing lobster in the trunk.


July 31, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old: Does this look a male or a female–the person?
Wife: At first, it looks like a boat.