March 27, 2017
March 23, 2017
Me: If I had the charisma of Anthony Weiner, without the dick pics, would that be so bad?
Forty, over the hill!
February 21, 2017
Me: Ooh, it’s filled with those edible packing!
Wife: Do you want some?
Me: No, thanks. I ate enough of them in high school for a lifetime.
Wife: High school? They didn’t exist then. You were eating styrofoam.
February 20, 2017
Me: I’m going to take a shower. You haven’t turned off the breaker for the shower too, have you?
February 17, 2017
Wife: If it were a gnome living in a computer, it would be, like, “WebMD says my back isn’t broken. It’s spleenitosis!” That’s why you want ottoman gnomes.
February 16, 2017
Nine-Year-Old: Dad, can you tell [Four-Year-Old] that if his guys are trapped on an island, they can’t have a tank?
February 4, 2017
Wife: Please stop rubbing your butt on my three phones.
Me: Wasn’t that the name of a sit-com from the sixties—“My Three Phones“?
January 31, 2017
Me: This new toothbrush is so soft. It’s like making love to my mouth!