Jackhammer

October 13, 2018

Friend: You didn’t hear what I said, about how people find different things relaxing. Like the relaxing sound of a jackhammer. So, of course, there are twelve hours of jackhammer noises.

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Microwaves

October 11, 2018

Fourteen-Year-Old: Microwaves are just spicy refrigerators.

Tanks

October 10, 2018

Six-Year-Old: Are fish tanks in the future or the past?

Operating

October 6, 2018

Me: That was just Snoop Dogg playing the operating system.

Arrow

September 21, 2018

Graduate Student: You see a dead ratling, nailed to a tree by a very large arrow.
Friend’s Son: An ogre arrow.
Me: An “ograrrow,” if you will.

Snacks

September 15, 2018

Eleven-Year-Old: There’s a new vending machine for healthy snacks. It’s empty.

Jetpack

September 13, 2018

Me: That’s just what you need in an unstable cave—a jetpack.

Cat Boat

September 9, 2018

Wife: Don’t run me over with a cat boat.

Superior

September 7, 2018

Fourteen-Year-Old: It pisses me off!
Wife: I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to piss you off. I was probably trying to show off my superior HVAC knowledge.

Tab

August 27, 2018

Wife: Fuck you, “Press the release tab.”