Hippo’s

February 11, 2019

Eleven-Year-Old [singing]: Get off my car, or I’ll shoot lasers out of the hippo’s eyes.

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Hiding

January 28, 2019

Friend: Which one of them is going to be hiding in the Pokeball?

Chest

January 20, 2019

Friend: This is not a happy chest.

Coins

January 11, 2019

Eleven-Year-Old: Why do you want that Slinky?
Six-Year-Old: It’s a stack of silver coins.

Smiley

January 9, 2019

Six-Year-Old: That’s a smiley shuriken on sale.

Jack

December 31, 2018

Eleven-Year-Old: I put headphones in it.
Wife: It doesn’t have a headphone jack! Stop putting things into my phone before you break it.

Blender

December 11, 2018

Eleven-Year-Old: Where’s the Wi-Fi?
Wife: What?
Eleven-Year-Old: Hey Mom, where’s the Wi-Fi?
Wife: It’s in the blender.
Eleven-Year-Old: Why?

Cliff

December 5, 2018

Wife: I’m gonna go honk off a cliff, y’all!

Bloth

December 2, 2018

Eleven-Year-Old: Bloth, poor Bloth, poor Bloth.

Dispenser

November 30, 2018

Me: This men’s room has the worst toilet paper dispenser in the western world.