December 31, 2012
Wife: That’s the blingiest bible I’ve ever seen
December 30, 2012
Me: Do you want me to clean that off his face?
Wife: No, it looks like he got slapped by a smurf. I like it that way.
December 29, 2012
Me: Infants cover themselves in a protective layer of slime.
December 28, 2012
Wife: There’s a difference between “delicious” and “cat.”
Me: Not to him.
December 27, 2012
Me: The pure joy of a wheezing eleven-month-old.
December 26, 2012
Wife: I really can’t spend all night making phone calls from Santa.
December 25, 2012
Five-Year-Old: If you say Santa doesn’t exist, you’re messing with him.
Me: Don’t mess with Santa.
Wife: He’s a ninja in a red suit.
December 24, 2012
Woman Coming in the Front Door of My Children’s School [to her daughter]: High contagious, baby. Highly contagious.
December 23, 2012
Me: Love the compost. Hate the bin.
December 22, 2012
Wife: That pasta was criminally bad.