Blingiest

Wife: That’s the blingiest bible I’ve ever seen

Smurf

Me: Do you want me to clean that off his face?
Wife: No, it looks like he got slapped by a smurf. I like it that way.

Layer

Me: Infants cover themselves in a protective layer of slime.

Him

Wife: There’s a difference between “delicious” and “cat.”
Me: Not to him.

Wheezing

Me: The pure joy of a wheezing eleven-month-old.

Santa

Wife: I really can’t spend all night making phone calls from Santa.

Suit

Five-Year-Old: If you say Santa doesn’t exist, you’re messing with him.
Me: Don’t mess with Santa.
Wife: He’s a ninja in a red suit.
Five-Year-Old: Yes.

Contagious

Woman Coming in the Front Door of My Children’s School [to her daughter]: High contagious, baby. Highly contagious.

Compost

Me: Love the compost. Hate the bin.

Criminally

Wife: That pasta was criminally bad.

By request.