November 5, 2016
Me: I hacked something for you.
Wife: Thank you.
Me: You’re welcome.
Wife: Was it a portal?
Me: No, it was a guy, to death, with a hatchet.
November 2, 2016
Me: I think she may have put it under the pillow, hoping that the Chrome Book/Smart Phone Fairy will take it and bring her a smart phone.
October 25, 2016
Four-Year-Old: They’re stealing your lightning, and silverware, and water.
August 5, 2016
Me: Personally, I’m not a fan of the Midlands mustard-based hookers and blow.
August 1, 2016
Wife: Oh, great. Now he’s talking about growing weed on it.
Me: Definitely can’t get crop insurance for that.
July 30, 2016
Wife: Is this the worst idea ever?
Me: No, it’s not your worst idea ever.
Wife: But it is a bad idea?
Me: I think it’s probably a bad idea, but at this stage it’s just an idea, so there’s no reason not to pursue it.
Wife: Is it a good idea?
Me: I just said I thought it was a bad idea.
Wife: It can be a bad idea and a good idea.
Me: I don’t think I subscribe to that viewpoint.
Wife: Hmph. You wouldn’t share hookers and blow with me either.
July 28, 2016
Me: So, what happens if [Friend] spends the whole one hundred thousand dollars you borrowed on hookers and blow?
I’d get really mad, because he didn’t share?
July 23, 2016
Wife: Where am I going to get a cubicle full of cocaine?
July 1, 2016
Me: And then I thought: [Friend] wouldn’t be sexually molesting a midget, would he?