Bits

March 8, 2019

Friend: That sounds kind of like somebody cut up Grandma into little bits.

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Yoga

December 28, 2018

Eleven-Year-Old: I got some speed, and then I lost it all on a yoga mat.
Wife: Clean up all the drugs on my yoga mat!
Eleven-Year-Old: What?
Wife: And don’t do drugs. They’re bad for you.

Fetuses

November 6, 2018

Me: They’re fetuses engaged in a Satanic ritual.

Trade

October 22, 2018

Friend: There is no organ trade in Palladium, unless you count alchemists’ shops.

Uncle

October 9, 2018

Fourteen-Year-Old: You don’t go, like, “Say, did you get molested by your creepy uncle?” Yeah, you don’t.

Impale

August 7, 2018

Colleague: He really curbed crime.
Graduate Student: All he had to do is threaten to impale them!
Colleague: Well, it worked!

Eaten

August 3, 2018

Fourteen-Year-Old: That’s about the the worst way to go, to be eaten by Dan Ackroyd.

Sadistic

July 6, 2018

Fourteen-Year-Old: I forgot that was your idea, you sadistic a-hole.

Baldy

June 29, 2018

Six-Year-Old: You killed baldy. You killed baldy. You killed baldy. You killed baldy.

Policy

April 20, 2018

Me: Haven’t you seen the TSA’s policy on giant hamentaschen?