November 23, 2019

Twelve-Year-Old: Would you please just let me stab you, in the face? For the love of God, it’s not that hard to stand still.


October 31, 2019

First Friend: I go up to the guys and say, “Nice fight, man.”
Second Friend: He says, “It was an honor to kill you.”


August 21, 2019

Me: Stealing trash cans? No, I do not.


April 10, 2019

Eleven-Year-Old: Oh, God! Ghost muggers!


April 7, 2019

Friend: You could convince me to go and stab that wizard a lot of times.


March 8, 2019

Friend: That sounds kind of like somebody cut up Grandma into little bits.


December 28, 2018

Eleven-Year-Old: I got some speed, and then I lost it all on a yoga mat.
Wife: Clean up all the drugs on my yoga mat!
Eleven-Year-Old: What?
Wife: And don’t do drugs. They’re bad for you.


November 6, 2018

Me: They’re fetuses engaged in a Satanic ritual.


October 22, 2018

Friend: There is no organ trade in Palladium, unless you count alchemists’ shops.


October 9, 2018

Fourteen-Year-Old: You don’t go, like, “Say, did you get molested by your creepy uncle?” Yeah, you don’t.