August 7, 2018

Colleague: He really curbed crime.
Graduate Student: All he had to do is threaten to impale them!
Colleague: Well, it worked!



August 3, 2018

Fourteen-Year-Old: That’s about the the worst way to go, to be eaten by Dan Ackroyd.


July 6, 2018

Fourteen-Year-Old: I forgot that was your idea, you sadistic a-hole.


June 29, 2018

Six-Year-Old: You killed baldy. You killed baldy. You killed baldy. You killed baldy.


April 20, 2018

Me: Haven’t you seen the TSA’s policy on giant hamentaschen?


March 25, 2018

Me: The movie that dares to ask the question: Taxi dancer, prostitute—what’s the difference?


February 26, 2018

Me: I don’t know what you’re doing with this dream, but this order needs to be countersigned by Sam Vimes and/or Elanor Roosevelt.


January 30, 2018

Wife: Did you just hug me, without permission?
Me: Yes?
Wife: Oh, go get raped by an orc, or something.


January 27, 2018

First Friend: If we see another boat with a few people, we should all go over there and do a stealth kill.
Me: Why would we do that?
First Friend: Because they have stuff, and we need stuff.
Me: We do not need stuff!
Second Friend: But we want more stuff.
Me: We have eighty pounds of panther jerky.
First Friend: I have eighty pounds of panther jerky.
Me: You aren’t carrying it all on you, and I’ve been eating some of it, and you haven’t noticed, because I’m invisible.


January 23, 2018

Me: I would hope that every person you ate was raw.