April 19, 2017

Me [singing]: I saw Mommy sniping Santa Claus.


March 20, 2017

Me: What’s that?
Wife: It’s my new life of crime.
Me: Cool! Can I open it?


February 9, 2017

Me: They’re redirected the chemtrails on this plane internally.


November 5, 2016

Me: I hacked something for you.
Wife: Thank you.
Me: You’re welcome.
Wife: Was it a portal?
Me: No, it was a guy, to death, with a hatchet.


November 2, 2016

Me: I think she may have put it under the pillow, hoping that the Chrome Book/Smart Phone Fairy will take it and bring her a smart phone.


October 25, 2016

Four-Year-Old: They’re stealing your lightning, and silverware, and water.


August 5, 2016

Me: Personally, I’m not a fan of the Midlands mustard-based hookers and blow.


August 1, 2016

Wife: Oh, great. Now he’s talking about growing weed on it.
Me: Definitely can’t get crop insurance for that.


July 30, 2016

Wife: Is this the worst idea ever?
Me: No, it’s not your worst idea ever.
Wife: But it is a bad idea?
Me: I think it’s probably a bad idea, but at this stage it’s just an idea, so there’s no reason not to pursue it.
Wife: Is it a good idea?
Me: I just said I thought it was a bad idea.
Wife: It can be a bad idea and a good idea.
Me: I don’t think I subscribe to that viewpoint.
Wife: Hmph. You wouldn’t share hookers and blow with me either.


July 28, 2016

Me: So, what happens if [Friend] spends the whole one hundred thousand dollars you borrowed on hookers and blow?
I’d get really mad, because he didn’t share?