Fetuses

November 6, 2018

Me: They’re fetuses engaged in a Satanic ritual.

Advertisements

Trade

October 22, 2018

Friend: There is no organ trade in Palladium, unless you count alchemists’ shops.

Uncle

October 9, 2018

Fourteen-Year-Old: You don’t go, like, “Say, did you get molested by your creepy uncle?” Yeah, you don’t.

Impale

August 7, 2018

Colleague: He really curbed crime.
Graduate Student: All he had to do is threaten to impale them!
Colleague: Well, it worked!

Eaten

August 3, 2018

Fourteen-Year-Old: That’s about the the worst way to go, to be eaten by Dan Ackroyd.

Sadistic

July 6, 2018

Fourteen-Year-Old: I forgot that was your idea, you sadistic a-hole.

Baldy

June 29, 2018

Six-Year-Old: You killed baldy. You killed baldy. You killed baldy. You killed baldy.

Policy

April 20, 2018

Me: Haven’t you seen the TSA’s policy on giant hamentaschen?

Dares

March 25, 2018

Me: The movie that dares to ask the question: Taxi dancer, prostitute—what’s the difference?

Countersigned

February 26, 2018

Me: I don’t know what you’re doing with this dream, but this order needs to be countersigned by Sam Vimes and/or Elanor Roosevelt.