Skulls

May 9, 2017

Wife: If you see a guy walking down the street with no shirt on, wearing gloves with pirate skulls, and carrying a gun, you run.

Addicted

May 8, 2017

Me: So what kinds of drugs were in the batter?
Wife: Opioids. What else am I addicted to?
Me: Mead?

Sniping

April 19, 2017

Me [singing]: I saw Mommy sniping Santa Claus.

New

March 20, 2017

Me: What’s that?
Wife: It’s my new life of crime.
Me: Cool! Can I open it?

Internally

February 9, 2017

Me: They’re redirected the chemtrails on this plane internally.

Hatchet

November 5, 2016

Me: I hacked something for you.
Wife: Thank you.
Me: You’re welcome.
Wife: Was it a portal?
Me: No, it was a guy, to death, with a hatchet.

Under

November 2, 2016

Me: I think she may have put it under the pillow, hoping that the Chrome Book/Smart Phone Fairy will take it and bring her a smart phone.

Silverware

October 25, 2016

Four-Year-Old: They’re stealing your lightning, and silverware, and water.

Midlands

August 5, 2016

Me: Personally, I’m not a fan of the Midlands mustard-based hookers and blow.

Crop

August 1, 2016

Wife: Oh, great. Now he’s talking about growing weed on it.
Me: Definitely can’t get crop insurance for that.