July 3, 2017

Friend: You can drop acid with me and Brett.
Wife: Wow, that’s a party.


June 17, 2017

Wife: He has a girlfriend?
Me: Well, sort of. They’re not officially dating until he’s in prison


May 9, 2017

Wife: If you see a guy walking down the street with no shirt on, wearing gloves with pirate skulls, and carrying a gun, you run.


May 8, 2017

Me: So what kinds of drugs were in the batter?
Wife: Opioids. What else am I addicted to?
Me: Mead?


April 19, 2017

Me [singing]: I saw Mommy sniping Santa Claus.


March 20, 2017

Me: What’s that?
Wife: It’s my new life of crime.
Me: Cool! Can I open it?


February 9, 2017

Me: They’re redirected the chemtrails on this plane internally.


November 5, 2016

Me: I hacked something for you.
Wife: Thank you.
Me: You’re welcome.
Wife: Was it a portal?
Me: No, it was a guy, to death, with a hatchet.


November 2, 2016

Me: I think she may have put it under the pillow, hoping that the Chrome Book/Smart Phone Fairy will take it and bring her a smart phone.


October 25, 2016

Four-Year-Old: They’re stealing your lightning, and silverware, and water.