April 30, 2014

Me: No, you cannot put the straw back in your drink after rubbing the end of it on your shoe!


April 29, 2014

Me: Well, I have on a couple occasions felt like my butt was missing, but I have no way of knowing if that’s the same sensation you’re describing.

Fish Lips

April 28, 2014

Wife: Wow, I can’t think of anything I’d rather be doing than watching my family do a fish lips contest in the dentist’s waiting room.


April 27, 2014

Wife: [Six-Year-Old], close your window and put your pants on.


April 26, 2014

Friend: Take the pie. Leave the kids.


April 25, 2014

Friend’s Daughter: You wanna’ piece of me? You wanna’ piece of the rainbow?


April 24, 2014

Wife: Why does my hand smell like vitamins?
Friend: Better than smelling like something else.
Wife: True.
Friend’s Wife: Mime juice?


April 23, 2014

Me: What time does it say on the oven, [Seven-Year-Old]?
Seven-Year-Old: Aaah! I’m dizzy! [KER-THUMP-THUMP-THUMP]


April 22, 2014

Friend: I want to win this argument. I’m going to win.
Wife: Just keep waving your mutant potato around. It really helps make your point.
Friend: Whoever has the potato, they get to talk.


April 21, 2014

Me: What is this?
Friend’s Daughter: It’s [Ten-Year-Old’s] excellent bacon wrapped in bacon with duct tape on it.
Me: First of all, that’s masking tape. Second, why would you have any tape on bacon?