April 30, 2014
Me: No, you cannot put the straw back in your drink after rubbing the end of it on your shoe!
April 29, 2014
Me: Well, I have on a couple occasions felt like my butt was missing, but I have no way of knowing if that’s the same sensation you’re describing.
April 28, 2014
Wife: Wow, I can’t think of anything I’d rather be doing than watching my family do a fish lips contest in the dentist’s waiting room.
April 27, 2014
Wife: [Six-Year-Old], close your window and put your pants on.
April 25, 2014
Friend’s Daughter: You wanna’ piece of me? You wanna’ piece of the rainbow?
April 24, 2014
Wife: Why does my hand smell like vitamins?
Friend: Better than smelling like something else.
Friend’s Wife: Mime juice?
April 23, 2014
Me: What time does it say on the oven, [Seven-Year-Old]?
Seven-Year-Old: Aaah! I’m dizzy! [KER-THUMP-THUMP-THUMP]
April 22, 2014
Friend: I want to win this argument. I’m going to win.
Wife: Just keep waving your mutant potato around. It really helps make your point.
Friend: Whoever has the potato, they get to talk.
April 21, 2014
Me: What is this?
Friend’s Daughter: It’s [Ten-Year-Old’s] excellent bacon wrapped in bacon with duct tape on it.
Me: First of all, that’s masking tape. Second, why would you have any tape on bacon?