Twenty-Four

October 16, 2018

Receptionist: In twenty-four to forty-eight business days, your form will be ready.

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Saxophone

October 15, 2018

Me: Why is there a gorilla playing the saxophone?

Dance Move

October 14, 2018

Eleven-Year-Old: Can I do broccoli?
Wife: That sounds like a new dance move.

Jackhammer

October 13, 2018

Friend: You didn’t hear what I said, about how people find different things relaxing. Like the relaxing sound of a jackhammer. So, of course, there are twelve hours of jackhammer noises.

Bland

October 12, 2018

Fourteen-Year-Old: Humans are just bland monkeys.
Me: That’s sort of true, actually.

Microwaves

October 11, 2018

Fourteen-Year-Old: Microwaves are just spicy refrigerators.

Tanks

October 10, 2018

Six-Year-Old: Are fish tanks in the future or the past?

Uncle

October 9, 2018

Fourteen-Year-Old: You don’t go, like, “Say, did you get molested by your creepy uncle?” Yeah, you don’t.

Petit

October 8, 2018

Fourteen-Year-Old: You know how wombats poop in cubes?
Me: Yes.
Fourteen-Year-Old: Well petit fours are the angel equivalent of that.

Hitler

October 7, 2018

Wife: Dude, if Hitler’s coming to a synagogue farmers’ market in 2018, WAKE THE FUCK UP, because that’s not real.