Pockets
November 30, 2017
Wife: Nope! Books are not pockets—ever!
Holy
November 29, 2017
Thirteen-Year-Old: Holy water! Holy water! Holy water! I needs it! Holy water! Holy water!
Rob
November 28, 2017
Ten-Year-Old: I’m going to rob the bank while you’re gone.
Vervet
November 27, 2017
Me: He’s a human, not a vervet.
Five-Year-Old: What are you talking about? I’m not a teenager.
Regenerating
November 26, 2017
Me: You’re constantly eating your face and regenerating at the same time.
Scissors
November 25, 2017
Brother: Is that what the kids are doing now, yelling, “Scissors!”?
Your Face
November 24, 2017
Wife: Touch my computer, I eat your face.
Live
November 23, 2017
Me: Wow, that smells terrible under there.
Thirteen-Year-Old: Oh, yeah! It smells like dead paint.
Wife: What does live paint smell like?
Multigrain
November 22, 2017
Me: If she throws those at you, you’ll be multigrain.
Thirteen-Year-Old: No, I’ll always be all white.
Semi
November 21, 2017
Thirteen-Year-Old: Aaah! My butt! Why did you throw chocolate chips at my butt?
Wife: Becuase you’re semi sweet.