Father-In-Law

Me: Apparently [Co-Worker’s] father-in-law was one hundred four when he died.
Wife [to dog]: Don’t even think about it, Butch.
Me: That’s right. You are not living to be one hundred and four.
Wife: Oh, God. He certainly isn’t. I am not going to have the dog live longer than me. I only have one goal in life, and that’s it.

Uterus-Wise

Wife: I haven’t had a good day, uterus-wise.

Priest

Me [not mixing a drink]: St. Brendan’s and Manischewitz over ice. Mmm!
Wife: Huh?
Me: I need to start drinking before this dish is done.
Wife: Is that some kind of priest and rabbi joke?
Me: No, why?

Squeaky

Wife: Quiet, please! That means you, squeaky pants.
Four-Year-Old: I’m not squeaky pants!
Wife: Are you sure?
Me: He’s not wearing pants!

Cow

Me: Do you want tofu cream cheese?
Four-Year-Old: No! I’ve got the real cream cheese! Cow cream cheese!

Tuxedo

Me [looking at an image online]: Wow, it’s an actual tuxedo cheesecake tuxedo.
Wife: How does that work?
Me: Well, the woman next to it is wearing a dress made of bacon, so….

Chainsaw

Me: Shirley and Peter are coming around with a chainsaw!
Wife: Huh!?!?

Night

Seven-Year-Old: Dad! I forgot! I have school in the middle of the night!

Witch Hazel

Me: I’m going to Google, “Does witch hazel help with itching?”
Wife: Oh, God. I need to get you a separate Internet.

Underwear, please!

Wife: Please put your underwear on first.
Four-Year-Old: No, socks!
Wife: Underwear, please!
Four-Year-Old: But you put your socks on first!
Wife: No, I don’t.
Me: Actually, Mommy usually puts her shirt on first.
Wife: Oh, thanks.
Seven-Year-Old: Most people do, actually.