Penis Dog

January 31, 2014

Me: What kind of car is that?
Wife: Penis car.
Me: That’s not a penis dog.
Wife: That’s the kind of dog you acquire when you have a penis car, and you get laid a lot, and your girlfriend has lots of dogs.


January 30, 2014

Six-Year-Old: The snow is making farting noises.


January 29, 2014

Wife: Were-Jolly Green Giant is not really recognized as a phenomenon, because The Hulk is the only person that displays it.


January 28, 2014

Me: I’m not sure there’s a southern style of dress shirts—men’s dress shirts.
Wife: Sweaty is a style.


January 27, 2014

Me [bumping head on overhang]: Ouch!
Six-Year-Old’s Friend: Are you okay?
Me: Yeah, I’m all right.
Six-Year-Old’s Friend: You sounded like The Hulk when you did that.


January 26, 2014

Six-Year-Old’s Friend: “Kin” isn’t a word.
Me: “Kin” is a real word. It means family.
Six-Year-Old’s Friend: In your country?


January 25, 2014

Nine-Year-Old: I didn’t know there would be a giant rock in my way!
Wife: Rock keep you slow.
Nine-Year-Old: Shut up!


January 24, 2014

Nine-Year-Old: They give you Chi, and Chi keep you fast.


January 23, 2014

Me: I have so many sweet things to say about you, but when they come out, they often sound stupid, or creepy, or insulting.


January 22, 2014

Me: Water, Tylenol, and orgasms are definitely on the list.