Penis Dog

January 31, 2014

Me: What kind of car is that?
Wife: Penis car.
Me: That’s not a penis dog.
Wife: That’s the kind of dog you acquire when you have a penis car, and you get laid a lot, and your girlfriend has lots of dogs.

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Farting

January 30, 2014

Six-Year-Old: The snow is making farting noises.

Displays

January 29, 2014

Wife: Were-Jolly Green Giant is not really recognized as a phenomenon, because The Hulk is the only person that displays it.

Sweaty

January 28, 2014

Me: I’m not sure there’s a southern style of dress shirts—men’s dress shirts.
Wife: Sweaty is a style.

Sounded

January 27, 2014

Me [bumping head on overhang]: Ouch!
Six-Year-Old’s Friend: Are you okay?
Me: Yeah, I’m all right.
Six-Year-Old’s Friend: You sounded like The Hulk when you did that.

Kin

January 26, 2014

Six-Year-Old’s Friend: “Kin” isn’t a word.
Me: “Kin” is a real word. It means family.
Six-Year-Old’s Friend: In your country?

Rock

January 25, 2014

Nine-Year-Old: I didn’t know there would be a giant rock in my way!
Wife: Rock keep you slow.
Nine-Year-Old: Shut up!

Keep

January 24, 2014

Nine-Year-Old: They give you Chi, and Chi keep you fast.

Insulting

January 23, 2014

Me: I have so many sweet things to say about you, but when they come out, they often sound stupid, or creepy, or insulting.

Tylenol

January 22, 2014

Me: Water, Tylenol, and orgasms are definitely on the list.