July 31, 2016

Wife: The phone suggested “hikers” and “blood.”



July 30, 2016

Wife: Is this the worst idea ever?
Me: No, it’s not your worst idea ever.
Wife: But it is a bad idea?
Me: I think it’s probably a bad idea, but at this stage it’s just an idea, so there’s no reason not to pursue it.
Wife: Is it a good idea?
Me: I just said I thought it was a bad idea.
Wife: It can be a bad idea and a good idea.
Me: I don’t think I subscribe to that viewpoint.
Wife: Hmph. You wouldn’t share hookers and blow with me either.


July 29, 2016

Me: Is he sending you dick pics again?
Wife: I don’t think so.


July 28, 2016

Me: So, what happens if [Friend] spends the whole one hundred thousand dollars you borrowed on hookers and blow?
I’d get really mad, because he didn’t share?


July 27, 2016

Wife: I’d forgotten how much beards retain smells.


July 26, 2016

Wife: [Twelve-Year-Old], you will not ever have to have an oompah band you don’t want.


July 25, 2016

Wife: I am not having you taking a knife, strapped to a broom handle, strapped to a PVC pipe, stabbing a dead roasted squirrel in the floor!


July 24, 2016

Me: It’s really just a prisoner’s dilemma problem, except that the other prisoner is God.


July 23, 2016

Wife: Where am I going to get a cubicle full of cocaine?


July 22, 2016

Wife: I’m not buying a butt-shaped jar.