Shaggy

March 16, 2019

Me: He had a pretty successful career as a DJ.
Wife: He lives in a van!

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Free

January 22, 2019

Me: Do people have free will after they’ve watched I Love Lucy in Plato’s Cave?

Scotty

December 4, 2018

Eleven-Year-Old: Butter me up, Scotty!
Wife: “Butter me up, Scotty!”? That’s, like, the worst Star Trek slashfic ever.

Meanie

November 29, 2018

Fourteen-Year-Old: I don’t think even a stronger angel could kill him. Meanie!

Acid

November 3, 2018

Me: When we get home, I’ll find you a good strong acid video.

Contemporary

October 28, 2018

Brother: That would make such a bad contemporary mummy movie about that: The Mummies of Tara.

Operating

October 6, 2018

Me: That was just Snoop Dogg playing the operating system.

Dino

October 5, 2018

Me: I’m going to watch Cupcake and Dino until I find something that makes sense.

Mushy

September 8, 2018

Me: [Fourteen-Year-Old], you don’t need to leave the fan on in your room when you’re not there.
Fourteen-Year-Old: Yes, I do, because otherwise it gets all weird and mushy and hot when I get back in there.

Cupcake

August 30, 2018

Wife: All right, turn this off. It is too stupid.
Eleven-Year-Old: What’s wrong with stupid?
Six-Year-Old: It’s just a cupcake and…