Siesta

September 27, 2017

Me: What kind of mushroom takes a siesta?
Friend: You sound like George on Seinfeld.

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Expects

September 9, 2017

Me: Can I see that necklace?
Thirteeen-Year-Old: It’s from Spain.
Me: Yeah, I figured that, but I hadn’t looked at it yet.
Wife: We didn’t know where it came from.
Thirteeen-Year-Old: It just appeared in my room!
Me: Spanish jewelry is like that.
Wife: Hola!
Me: Nobody expects the Spanish necklace!

Precocious

August 3, 2017

Me: This is what happens when you have a high school for heavily armed, precocious teenagers who are already dead.

Sexy

July 1, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old: This is a sexy pen.
Wife: This is a sexy pen?
Me: This is a sexy pen!

Pointier

June 19, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old: It’s Rin, obviously. He’s going to open the sword and become pointier, Magoo.

Harem

April 27, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old: It’s like a science fiction harem.
Me: What?
Thirteen-Year-Old: Nothing. Just talking to myself.

Scientific

March 11, 2017

Me: I didn’t think Vader was very scientific.

Soaked

March 4, 2017

Friend: She decided she was going to… to… to raise an army of prostitutes to take over the world.
Me: Blog.
Friend: So anyway, they had a blood-soaked threesome.

Rubbing

February 4, 2017

Wife: Please stop rubbing your butt on my three phones.
Me: Wasn’t that the name of a sit-com from the sixties—“My Three Phones“?

World

December 5, 2016

Me: I know the only person in the world who writes MATHNET fan fiction.