Scientific

March 11, 2017

Me: I didn’t think Vader was very scientific.

Soaked

March 4, 2017

Friend: She decided she was going to… to… to raise an army of prostitutes to take over the world.
Me: Blog.
Friend: So anyway, they had a blood-soaked threesome.

Rubbing

February 4, 2017

Wife: Please stop rubbing your butt on my three phones.
Me: Wasn’t that the name of a sit-com from the sixties—“My Three Phones“?

World

December 5, 2016

Me: I know the only person in the world who writes MATHNET fan fiction.

Spoil

November 28, 2016

Me: Did you just walk up to me, belch, and say, “I didn’t mean to spoil the party”?
Four-Year-Old: Batman did that.

Laces

November 21, 2016

Wife: You realize you’re arguing with Square One TV, thirty years after it aired?
Me: Yeah, and you know what? When I tied the laces of my left shoe to the laces of my right shoe, by the end of the show I had not forgotten about it, and when I got up to leave the room, I did not fall and squish my nose.
Nine-Year-Old: Did you hop out of the room?

I’m just a caveman.

October 27, 2016

Me: You don’t know much, but you know a lot of Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer jokes.

Realm

October 18, 2016

Friend: The realm of my intelligence would be The Real Housewives.

Weight

September 18, 2016

Wife: Where are your pants?
Twelve-Year-Old: I took them off when I went to get weight.
Me: “Went to get…”?
Wife: Who is doing the—
Me: Where the hell you going?
To get weight! Where the hell you going?

Impression

August 23, 2016

Wife: Oh, my god. Why is your terrible Paula Deen impression so sexy?