February 4, 2017
Wife: Please stop rubbing your butt on my three phones.
Me: Wasn’t that the name of a sit-com from the sixties—“My Three Phones“?
November 28, 2016
Me: Did you just walk up to me, belch, and say, “I didn’t mean to spoil the party”?
Four-Year-Old: Batman did that.
November 21, 2016
Wife: You realize you’re arguing with Square One TV, thirty years after it aired?
Me: Yeah, and you know what? When I tied the laces of my left shoe to the laces of my right shoe, by the end of the show I had not forgotten about it, and when I got up to leave the room, I did not fall and squish my nose.
Nine-Year-Old: Did you hop out of the room?
October 27, 2016
Me: You don’t know much, but you know a lot of Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer jokes.
September 18, 2016
Wife: Where are your pants?
Twelve-Year-Old: I took them off when I went to get weight.
Me: “Went to get…”?
Wife: Who is doing the—
Me: Where the hell you going?
To get weight! Where the hell you going?
August 20, 2016
Me: I took off my pants when I went to get weighed.
Wife: “Get weighed”? That sounds like… who is doing the—
Me: “Where the hell you going?”
Wife: “To get weighed! Where the hell you going?”
June 14, 2016
Me: I hadn’t remembered how that sepia jizz thing ended, with…
Wife: Wait! Stop! “Sepia jizz”?
Me: That’s what it was, wasn’t it?