August 3, 2017

Me: This is what happens when you have a high school for heavily armed, precocious teenagers who are already dead.


July 1, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old: This is a sexy pen.
Wife: This is a sexy pen?
Me: This is a sexy pen!


June 19, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old: It’s Rin, obviously. He’s going to open the sword and become pointier, Magoo.


April 27, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old: It’s like a science fiction harem.
Me: What?
Thirteen-Year-Old: Nothing. Just talking to myself.


March 11, 2017

Me: I didn’t think Vader was very scientific.


March 4, 2017

Friend: She decided she was going to… to… to raise an army of prostitutes to take over the world.
Me: Blog.
Friend: So anyway, they had a blood-soaked threesome.


February 4, 2017

Wife: Please stop rubbing your butt on my three phones.
Me: Wasn’t that the name of a sit-com from the sixties—“My Three Phones“?


December 5, 2016

Me: I know the only person in the world who writes MATHNET fan fiction.


November 28, 2016

Me: Did you just walk up to me, belch, and say, “I didn’t mean to spoil the party”?
Four-Year-Old: Batman did that.


November 21, 2016

Wife: You realize you’re arguing with Square One TV, thirty years after it aired?
Me: Yeah, and you know what? When I tied the laces of my left shoe to the laces of my right shoe, by the end of the show I had not forgotten about it, and when I got up to leave the room, I did not fall and squish my nose.
Nine-Year-Old: Did you hop out of the room?