Mushy

September 8, 2018

Me: [Fourteen-Year-Old], you don’t need to leave the fan on in your room when you’re not there.
Fourteen-Year-Old: Yes, I do, because otherwise it gets all weird and mushy and hot when I get back in there.

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Cupcake

August 30, 2018

Wife: All right, turn this off. It is too stupid.
Eleven-Year-Old: What’s wrong with stupid?
Six-Year-Old: It’s just a cupcake and…

Eaten

August 3, 2018

Fourteen-Year-Old: That’s about the the worst way to go, to be eaten by Dan Ackroyd.

Playing

July 7, 2018

Me: It’s no surprise that Captain Bloth does a good job playing Darth Vader.

Avenger

July 2, 2018

Me: Listen up, Avenger Smurf.

Gigantic

June 26, 2018

Fourteen-Year-Old [singing]: Good-bye, Little Sebastian. Good-bye, Little Sebastian.
Me: “That is a gigantic tiny horse penis.”
Fourteen-Year-Old: That’s a fashion.

Theme

June 23, 2018

Friend: Also, I have attempted to hum the X-Files theme.
Me: “Also”?

Dares

March 25, 2018

Me: The movie that dares to ask the question: Taxi dancer, prostitute—what’s the difference?

Ski

November 8, 2017

Me: More importantly, this raises the question: Can daleks ski?

Siesta

September 27, 2017

Me: What kind of mushroom takes a siesta?
Friend: You sound like George on Seinfeld.