Playing

July 7, 2018

Me: It’s no surprise that Captain Bloth does a good job playing Darth Vader.

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Avenger

July 2, 2018

Me: Listen up, Avenger Smurf.

Gigantic

June 26, 2018

Fourteen-Year-Old [singing]: Good-bye, Little Sebastian. Good-bye, Little Sebastian.
Me: “That is a gigantic tiny horse penis.”
Fourteen-Year-Old: That’s a fashion.

Theme

June 23, 2018

Friend: Also, I have attempted to hum the X-Files theme.
Me: “Also”?

Dares

March 25, 2018

Me: The movie that dares to ask the question: Taxi dancer, prostitute—what’s the difference?

Ski

November 8, 2017

Me: More importantly, this raises the question: Can daleks ski?

Siesta

September 27, 2017

Me: What kind of mushroom takes a siesta?
Friend: You sound like George on Seinfeld.

Expects

September 9, 2017

Me: Can I see that necklace?
Thirteeen-Year-Old: It’s from Spain.
Me: Yeah, I figured that, but I hadn’t looked at it yet.
Wife: We didn’t know where it came from.
Thirteeen-Year-Old: It just appeared in my room!
Me: Spanish jewelry is like that.
Wife: Hola!
Me: Nobody expects the Spanish necklace!

Precocious

August 3, 2017

Me: This is what happens when you have a high school for heavily armed, precocious teenagers who are already dead.

Sexy

July 1, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old: This is a sexy pen.
Wife: This is a sexy pen?
Me: This is a sexy pen!