February 28, 2017

Colleague: I should attempt to balance out my natural paper constipation.

Wife: Why do you smell like Chinese sweat?


February 26, 2017

Wife: My body’s all jacked up on meat and caffeine.


February 25, 2017

Wife [to Nine-Year-Old]: Go get a hairbrush out of my bathroom, so we can fix your hair. It looks like a cat slept in it.
Me: A cat did sleep in my hair.
Wife: That doesn’t explain your face.


February 24, 2017

Twelve-Year-Old: See you later, alligator. After a while, crocodile.
Me: It’s not bad, Hobo Dad.


February 23, 2017

Wife: I wouldn’t be surprised if you get fired as her dad.
Me: Can she do that?
Twelve-Year-Old: We can just hire Hobo Dad again for a while, until we find a permanent replacement.
Wife: Are you kidding? Do you know how annoying Hobo Dad was to deal with? He’s like this guy, but with scabies.
Me: That’s right. I do not have scabies… at the present.
Wife: Yes, no scabies at the present.


February 22, 2017

Co-Worker: They’re sending that out to everyone in comic sans?!


February 21, 2017

Me: Ooh, it’s filled with those edible packing!
Wife: Do you want some?
Me: No, thanks. I ate enough of them in high school for a lifetime.
Wife: High school? They didn’t exist then. You were eating styrofoam.


February 20, 2017

Me: I’m going to take a shower. You haven’t turned off the breaker for the shower too, have you?


February 19, 2017

Nine-Year-Old: I know where I’m going to have my bar mitzvah.
Me: Where?
Nine-Year-Old: At a bar, filled with bars.
Me: Makes sense.
Nine-Year-Old: Or a prison.