February 28, 2017
Colleague: I should attempt to balance out my natural paper constipation.
February 27, 2017
Wife: Why do you smell like Chinese sweat?
February 26, 2017
Wife: My body’s all jacked up on meat and caffeine.
February 25, 2017
Wife [to Nine-Year-Old]: Go get a hairbrush out of my bathroom, so we can fix your hair. It looks like a cat slept in it.
Me: A cat did sleep in my hair.
Wife: That doesn’t explain your face.
February 24, 2017
Twelve-Year-Old: See you later, alligator. After a while, crocodile.
Me: It’s not bad, Hobo Dad.
February 23, 2017
Wife: I wouldn’t be surprised if you get fired as her dad.
Me: Can she do that?
Twelve-Year-Old: We can just hire Hobo Dad again for a while, until we find a permanent replacement.
Wife: Are you kidding? Do you know how annoying Hobo Dad was to deal with? He’s like this guy, but with scabies.
Me: That’s right. I do not have scabies… at the present.
Wife: Yes, no scabies at the present.
February 21, 2017
Me: Ooh, it’s filled with those edible packing!
Wife: Do you want some?
Me: No, thanks. I ate enough of them in high school for a lifetime.
Wife: High school? They didn’t exist then. You were eating styrofoam.
February 20, 2017
Me: I’m going to take a shower. You haven’t turned off the breaker for the shower too, have you?