February 28, 2014

[A phone rings.]

Friend: Oh, shit! That’s my ass!


February 27, 2014

Wife: You are fuzzy and cute, but nobody wants to eat you.
Me: Are you talking to the caterpillar or the Doritos?


February 26, 2014

Friend: And since it’s a mime, you wouldn’t hear him coming.
Wife: Aargh! Gah!


February 25, 2014

Wife: Are you poking a hole in something? This is why mimes are creepy! “This is the ladies room. There’s a hole and I’m trying to make it bigger.” Mimes!


February 24, 2014

Me: I changed my mind. You aren’t allowed to be in this conversation.


February 23, 2014

Me [reading]: “Judaism Jeopardy.”
I wonder if you have to phrase your answer in the form of a question. Does it work if you just add, “nu?” at the end of each one?


February 22, 2014

Babysitter [to younger child]: If she asks, we’ll tell your mother you didn’t have anything to eat, because you didn’t like any of the healthy options.


February 21, 2014

Me: I just had a delicious smokey bacon burp.
Wife: Did you now?


February 20, 2014

Me [reading crossword clue]: “Longtime Senator Thurmond.”

Strom the curvaceous?


February 19, 2014

Me: Here’s my okra.
Wife: Hmm.
Me: We’re pod people now?