February 28, 2014
[A phone rings.]
Friend: Oh, shit! That’s my ass!
February 27, 2014
Wife: You are fuzzy and cute, but nobody wants to eat you.
Me: Are you talking to the caterpillar or the Doritos?
February 26, 2014
Friend: And since it’s a mime, you wouldn’t hear him coming.
Wife: Aargh! Gah!
February 25, 2014
Wife: Are you poking a hole in something? This is why mimes are creepy! “This is the ladies room. There’s a hole and I’m trying to make it bigger.” Mimes!
February 24, 2014
Me: I changed my mind. You aren’t allowed to be in this conversation.
February 23, 2014
Me [reading]: “Judaism Jeopardy.”
I wonder if you have to phrase your answer in the form of a question. Does it work if you just add, “nu?” at the end of each one?
February 22, 2014
Babysitter [to younger child]: If she asks, we’ll tell your mother you didn’t have anything to eat, because you didn’t like any of the healthy options.
February 21, 2014
Me: I just had a delicious smokey bacon burp.
Wife: Did you now?
February 20, 2014
Me [reading crossword clue]: “Longtime Senator Thurmond.”
Strom the curvaceous?
February 19, 2014
Me: Here’s my okra.
Me: We’re pod people now?