Licking

May 31, 2013

Wife: Your face smells like glue… like Elmer’s Glue.
Me: I have no idea why.
Wife: Have you been licking Elsie?

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Peas

May 30, 2013

Nine-Year-Old: I don’t like the peas.
Wife: That’s because they’re from a can. When they’re in a can, they have time to get all mushy. If they’re frozen, they at least have some flavor left.
Nine-Year-Old: Ooh, science!

Catching

May 29, 2013

Nine-Year-Old: You two both get something very special.
Five-Year-Old: Spear catching!

Urination

May 28, 2013

Wife: Only you can prevent urination werewolves.

Ball

May 27, 2013

Wife: Ball!

Ball!

Ball!
One-Year-Old: Ball!
Wife: Ball!
One-Year-Old: [Ha ha ha ha ha]
Wife: I think it’s time for you to be on the blog.

Robbers

May 26, 2013

Nine-Year-Old: You have to run from the robbers, because they fart on you, and you lose.

Funking

May 25, 2013

Wife: Are you annoying the kitty?
Are you looking out at the trees?
Are you funking up the place with your butt?

Loaf

May 24, 2013

Me [singing]: Ham loaf, ham loaf… ham loaf!
Wife: Please don’t do that.
Five-Year-Old [singing]: Ham loaf, ham loaf.
Ham loaf, ham loaf.
Ham loaf, ham loaf.

Ham loaf, ham loaf.
Ham loaf, ham loaf.

Comma

May 23, 2013

Five-Year-Old [singing]: Around the world in eighty days. Comma, comma, question mark.
Spider going up your back. Snakes going down your back.
Spider going up your back. Snakes going down your back.
Cat scratch. Dog bite.

Uh….

Aficionado

May 22, 2013

Five-Year-Old: What kid of wine is it?
Wife: Since when did you become an wine aficionado? What’s the difference between pinot grigio and pinot noir?
Five-Year-Old: Today!