Licking

Wife: Your face smells like glue… like Elmer’s Glue.
Me: I have no idea why.
Wife: Have you been licking Elsie?

Peas

Nine-Year-Old: I don’t like the peas.
Wife: That’s because they’re from a can. When they’re in a can, they have time to get all mushy. If they’re frozen, they at least have some flavor left.
Nine-Year-Old: Ooh, science!

Catching

Nine-Year-Old: You two both get something very special.
Five-Year-Old: Spear catching!

Urination

Wife: Only you can prevent urination werewolves.

Ball

Wife: Ball!
…
Ball!
…
Ball!
One-Year-Old: Ball!
Wife: Ball!
One-Year-Old: [Ha ha ha ha ha]
Wife: I think it’s time for you to be on the blog.

Robbers

Nine-Year-Old: You have to run from the robbers, because they fart on you, and you lose.

Funking

Wife: Are you annoying the kitty?
Are you looking out at the trees?
Are you funking up the place with your butt?

Loaf

Me [singing]: Ham loaf, ham loaf… ham loaf!
Wife: Please don’t do that.
Five-Year-Old [singing]: Ham loaf, ham loaf.
Ham loaf, ham loaf.
Ham loaf, ham loaf.
…
Ham loaf, ham loaf.
Ham loaf, ham loaf.

Comma

Five-Year-Old [singing]: Around the world in eighty days. Comma, comma, question mark.
Spider going up your back. Snakes going down your back.
Spider going up your back. Snakes going down your back.
Cat scratch. Dog bite.
…
Uh….

Aficionado

Five-Year-Old: What kind of wine is it?
Wife: Since when did you become an wine aficionado? What’s the difference between pinot grigio and pinot noir?
Five-Year-Old: Today!