February 29, 2016

Wife: If you don’t try on the backpack, I’m going to send it back to the store. If I can’t see you in it, I’ll have to tell them that the backpack doesn’t work, because my son is invisible while wearing it.



February 28, 2016

Wife: Don’t fat shame the dinosaurs.


February 27, 2016

Eight-Year-Old: When I grow up, I’m going to get some chipmunks, and I’m going to keep them in an alley. I’ll call it “Chipmunk Alley.”


February 26, 2016

Eleven-Year-Old: Daddy, you have something in your eyebrow.
Wife: That’s just his eyebrow.
Eleven-Year-Old: No, he’s got a piece of lint in in.
Wife: No, that’s a piece of potato.


February 25, 2016

Eight-Year-Old: Want to hear my version of a dumpwing?
Wife: Sure.
Eight-Year-Old: It’s a dumpling wrapped around a wing.
Eleven-Year-Old: Mind blown…
Wife: Wings in a blanket—that’s a good idea.


February 24, 2016

Wife: Why are you glowering at the penguin on the bear’s head?
Eight-Year-Old: I’m not glowering.


February 23, 2016

Wife: I can’t fix stupid.
That’s my new motto.

Not offensive at all.


February 22, 2016

Wife: Are you afraid that the neighbors won’t be able to hear you cackling about the light fixtures?


February 21, 2016

Wife: Why are you pooping in your room?

Oh, that was a noise.


February 20, 2016

Me: Text [Friend]. I’m sure she knows where to find plenty of diabetic recipes.
Wife: That’s a really good idea. I knew there was a reason to hang around with you sometimes.
Me: Apart from our being married and having three kids together?
Wife: That is never a reason to hang around with you.