Tattling

June 30, 2018

Me: You did not get a lollipop for inaccurately tattling on your brother.

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Baldy

June 29, 2018

Six-Year-Old: You killed baldy. You killed baldy. You killed baldy. You killed baldy.

Reading

June 28, 2018

Six-Year-Old: Don’t shoot me in the back of the head while I’m reading!

Sparkly

June 27, 2018

Me: Is that a blue poop?
Fourteen-Year-Old: Yes, a blue, sparkly poop.

Gigantic

June 26, 2018

Fourteen-Year-Old [singing]: Good-bye, Little Sebastian. Good-bye, Little Sebastian.
Me: “That is a gigantic tiny horse penis.”
Fourteen-Year-Old: That’s a fashion.

Monocling

June 25, 2018

Friend: I am not a member of the monocling community, so I don’t know if lubrication is a thing, but I’m guessing not.

Exhibit

June 24, 2018

Friend: I saw the back of my head yesterday. There was an exhibit at the science museum.

Theme

June 23, 2018

Friend: Also, I have attempted to hum the X-Files theme.
Me: “Also”?

Appreciated

June 22, 2018

Me: I am unsure at what level of irony this is supposed to be appreciated.

Marble

June 21, 2018

Wife: He’s not well marbled. He’s a marble.