Tattling

Me: You did not get a lollipop for inaccurately tattling on your brother.

Baldy

Six-Year-Old: You killed baldy. You killed baldy. You killed baldy. You killed baldy.

Reading

Six-Year-Old: Don’t shoot me in the back of the head while I’m reading!

Sparkly

Me: Is that a blue poop?
Fourteen-Year-Old: Yes, a blue, sparkly poop.

Gigantic

Fourteen-Year-Old [singing]: Good-bye, Little Sebastian. Good-bye, Little Sebastian.
Me: “That is a gigantic tiny horse penis.”
Fourteen-Year-Old: That’s a fashion.

Monocling

Friend: I am not a member of the monocling community, so I don’t know if lubrication is a thing, but I’m guessing not.

Exhibit

Friend: I saw the back of my head yesterday. There was an exhibit at the science museum.

Theme

Friend: Also, I have attempted to hum the X-Files theme.
Me: “Also”?

Appreciated

Me:  I am unsure at what level of irony this is supposed to be appreciated.

Marble

Wife: He’s not well marbled. He’s a marble.