Mythologies

Wife: How many different storm mythologies can a household realistically handle?

Rosh Hashanah

Four-Year-Old: It’s Chanukah!
Me: No, it’s Rosh Hashanah.
Four-Year-Old: No, it’s Chanukah.
Me: Not all Jewish holidays are Chanukah!

Pretoria

Me [glancing at book about the Boer Wars]: It’s like, “Laid siege to Pretoria for the third time today, Robert invented the Boy Scouts, and”—I don’t know—“running low on beans.”

Scratch

Four-Year-Old: Cats scratch you, and sit on you, and sleep with you.
Wife: Sounds like a boyfriend.

Healthy

Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Four-Year-Old: Chocolate chips.
Me: I don’t think you can have chocolate chips.
Four-Year-Old: Then I’m not your friend! I’m not going to eat anything to be healthy!

Ass Grabbing

Me: One of The Sims is grabbing the other one’s ass.
Wife: Yep, that’s how they get you to play—ass grabbing.

Piekfast

Me: What would you like for breakfast? I had pumpkin pie.
Wife: Ew.
Me: It’s a good breakfast pie. I call it, “piekfast.”
Wife: No, you don’t.

Chewed

Wife: It’s the sound of Cheetos being chewed that really makes this conversation for me.

Carcus

Me: Carol, you and Marcus could have done that—combined your names to make your kids’ names.
Wife’s Friend: Are you saying you think I should have named my kid Carcus?!?

Close

Wife: Oh, I got an e-mail from that guy.
Me: What did it say? “Derp, derp, derp”?
Wife: Close.
Me: “Herp, derp, derp”?