August 31, 2018

Fourteen-Year-Old: Don’t eat two pieces of pizza simultaneously!



August 30, 2018

Wife: All right, turn this off. It is too stupid.
Eleven-Year-Old: What’s wrong with stupid?
Six-Year-Old: It’s just a cupcake and…

Get Hurt

August 29, 2018

Wife: You lie! You lie!
Six-Year-Old: Mommy, did you get hurt?


August 28, 2018

Wife: Victory sneeze—that’s a thing.


August 27, 2018

Wife: Fuck you, “Press the release tab.”


August 26, 2018

Wife: That’s how I fix things. I yell at them until they work.
Six-Year-Old: Work! Work!


August 25, 2018

Me: Those are nice-looking okra. I assume you got them at the farmer’s market?
Fourteen-Year-Old: No, I pulled them out of my ass.
Me: Nice ass okra.
Six-Year-Old: No, you can’t pull anything out of your ass!


August 24, 2018

Six-Year-Old: Sticks are the worst thing to build your house out of.


August 23, 2018

Me: Is that a bunch of sparrows chasing a crow?


August 22, 2018

Wife: Why are you twerking in the hallway?

Stop doing that! Stop helping!

Will you please pull up your pants?
Fourteen-Year-Old: No.
Wife: Nothing you are doing in there is saying: These fit.