Simultaneously

Fourteen-Year-Old: Don’t eat two pieces of pizza simultaneously!

Cupcake

Wife: All right, turn this off. It is too stupid.
Eleven-Year-Old: What’s wrong with stupid?
Six-Year-Old: It’s just a cupcake and…

Get Hurt

Wife:  You lie!  You lie!
Six-Year-Old:  Mommy, did you get hurt?

Victory

Wife: Victory sneeze—that’s a thing.

Tab

Wife: Fuck you, “Press the release tab.”

Yell

Wife: That’s how I fix things. I yell at them until they work.
Six-Year-Old: Work! Work!

Nice-Looking

Me:  Those are nice-looking okra.  I assume you got them at the farmer’s market?
Fourteen-Year-Old:  No, I pulled them out of my ass.
Me:  Nice ass okra.
Six-Year-Old:  No, you can’t pull anything out of your ass!

Sticks

Six-Year-Old: Sticks are the worst thing to build your house out of.

Sparrows

Me: Is that a bunch of sparrows chasing a crow?

Hallway

Wife: Why are you twerking in the hallway?
…
Stop doing that! Stop helping!
…
Will you please pull up your pants?
Fourteen-Year-Old: No.
Wife: Nothing you are doing in there is saying: These fit.