Simultaneously

August 31, 2018

Fourteen-Year-Old: Don’t eat two pieces of pizza simultaneously!

Advertisements

Cupcake

August 30, 2018

Wife: All right, turn this off. It is too stupid.
Eleven-Year-Old: What’s wrong with stupid?
Six-Year-Old: It’s just a cupcake and…

Get Hurt

August 29, 2018

Wife: You lie! You lie!
Six-Year-Old: Mommy, did you get hurt?

Victory

August 28, 2018

Wife: Victory sneeze—that’s a thing.

Tab

August 27, 2018

Wife: Fuck you, “Press the release tab.”

Yell

August 26, 2018

Wife: That’s how I fix things. I yell at them until they work.
Six-Year-Old: Work! Work!

Nice-Looking

August 25, 2018

Me: Those are nice-looking okra. I assume you got them at the farmer’s market?
Fourteen-Year-Old: No, I pulled them out of my ass.
Me: Nice ass okra.
Six-Year-Old: No, you can’t pull anything out of your ass!

Sticks

August 24, 2018

Six-Year-Old: Sticks are the worst thing to build your house out of.

Sparrows

August 23, 2018

Me: Is that a bunch of sparrows chasing a crow?

Hallway

August 22, 2018

Wife: Why are you twerking in the hallway?

Stop doing that! Stop helping!

Will you please pull up your pants?
Fourteen-Year-Old: No.
Wife: Nothing you are doing in there is saying: These fit.