Misbehavior

August 31, 2016

Me: Is Anthony Wiener‘s misbehavior actually the most brilliant viral marketing campaign of all time?

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Diving

August 30, 2016

Nine-Year-Old: I have a new sport: car diving!

Bras

August 29, 2016

Me: There are car bras, so why aren’t there any car panties?

Workup

August 28, 2016

Wife: “Complete urogenital tract workup” is just one of the worst phrases in the language.

Sausage

August 27, 2016

Wife: If you’re trying to get another boy to go out to the shed and share a sausage with you, farting isn’t the best idea.
Me: I wasn’t trying that hard.

Capes

August 26, 2016

Wife: Sometimes it’s just better to let the conversation flow, because then you get butt-less capes.

Yahweh

August 25, 2016

Me: I am that I am, and that’s all I am. I’m Yahweh the sailor man!

Source

August 24, 2016

Me: Oh, you’re thinking of the sex machine from Barbarella. That was the source of our confusion.

Impression

August 23, 2016

Wife: Oh, my god. Why is your terrible Paula Deen impression so sexy?

Emperor

August 22, 2016

Wife: You created a perverted sex emperor. You are not a perverted sex emperor.