Reflux

March 31, 2012

Wife: Being pregnant, really good barbecue—they’re pretty much the same, right up to the reflux at the end.
Me: Wait! You mean being pregnant is like nine months of eating really good barbecue? It really is a magical time.
Wife: Well, you do have to squeeze out a whole piglet at the end.
Me: That’s OK.

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Crepes

March 30, 2012

Wife: Break!
Me: Wait, did you say, “Crepes!”?
Wife: Yes, because I steal… steer my car with crepes.

Both of those sentences are fun.

Skill

March 29, 2012

Wife: That’s a life skill.
Me: What is? Pooping?
Wife: Uh… yeah!
Friend: I’m the poop master!
Me: I didn’t need to know that.

Smart Boob

March 28, 2012

Me: We should really check their flight information.
Wife [while feeding Infant]: I’ll get right on that, once I’m done with…
Friend: Just Google that on your other boob.
Wife: I don’t have smart boob capability.

Count Everybody

March 27, 2012

Four-Year-Old: Can I count everybody in the car?
Friend: “Kill everybody”?

Latch

March 26, 2012

Wife [to Infant]: OK, if you latch on and don’t eat…
Friend: That’s called a fetish.

Sleep Beautiful

March 25, 2012

Friend: Do you “sleep pretty,” or just sleep?
Wife: I don’t know. Ask him.
Me: She sleeps beautiful, but I think for the purposes you’re asking, she just sleeps.

Rats

March 24, 2012

Four-Year-Old: The Hulk can smash a rat!
Wife: Why would he?
Four-Year-Old: I hate rats!

Omelet Police

March 23, 2012

Me: You’re eating the vegetables out of the omelet first?
Friend: I’ve had a real taste for vegetables lately.
Friend’s Wife [to me]: Who are you, the omelet police?

Valium

March 22, 2012

Me: I found my prescription. It was under the dresser, but it’s OK. I wasn’t going to take it anyway.
Wife: But I wanted to see you on valium!
[Imitating me] “I’m not going to take psycho-reactive drugs just for your amusement. Myah, myah, myah, myah!”