September 30, 2015

Wife: You’re on the other side of the kitchen, and there’s mayonnaise. I can’t hear you.



September 29, 2015

Wife: I love that as I’m becoming more discerning about food, I’m also becoming more discerning about fart smells.


September 28, 2015

Me: Is that [Wife’s boss’s boss]?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Wow, he’s really all forehead, isn’t he?
Wife: That’s not actually a very good picture of him.
Me: That’s not a very good picture of anybody.


September 27, 2015

Wife: Where’s the hammock?
Me: I think it’s in the garage of the old house. Do you want me to get it?

Not right now—
Wife: No, right now! Turn the car around! Uey!


September 26, 2015

Me: You need to sober up for the baby shower?
Wife: Yep. You can’t show up at a baby shower drunk. It’s very bad etiquette.


September 25, 2015

Wife: I’m going to be writing Q-A scripts for something that should not exist.
Me: What? “Should not exist”?
Wife: It’s not like it’s an abomination against nature.


September 24, 2015

Wife: The refrigerator smells like fermenting fruit.
Me: That would be awesome.


September 23, 2015

Me: I have it on good authority and General Jeb Stuart uses a ladies’ razor.


September 22, 2015

Three-Year-Old: Does this light work?
Me: No, the power is out.
Three-Year-Old: This house is broken. We need a new one.
Wife: We’re not getting a new house. Why don’t we just fix the electricity at this one?
Three-Year-Old: Can me and Mommy fix it?
Wife: No, the nice people from the power company are going to fix it.
Three-Year-Old: Oh.


September 21, 2015

Me [reading church sign]: “Mas en Espanol.” That’s neat, although there can’t be a lot of Spanish-speaking Lutherans.

I mean, there could be, but there aren’t.