Booze

Wife’s Friend: Our nerd booze interrupted the business booze.

Elijah

Me: Elijah didn’t choose to visit us.
Seven-Year-Old: I’ve been alive for seven years, and he’s never come during that time.

Coffee Table

Me: Do you think it’s time to rotate our coffee table books?

Mockery

Me: It’s an integrated mockery solution.

Dress

Wife: How many of those have you eaten?
Me: Too many.
Wife: And you wonder why you don’t fit into your wedding dress.
…
That’s right. I went there.

Rectangular

Wife: Just get into bed. You can get into our bed if you want to.
Seven-Year-Old: What’s that?
Wife: It’s the big rectangular thing…
Me: It’s the bed that shaped like a letter “R.”

Patriots

Me: The Tea Party Patriots are buying advertisements on Urban Dictionary.
Wife: …
Me: It’s double skeeve.
Wife: Maybe they’re hoping people will be looking up “tea bagging.”

Can’t

Three-Year-Old: I thought we were going to plant!
Me: We can’t. There’s no dirt.
Three-Year-Old: Yes there is.
Me: No, there isn’t any dirt.
Three-Year-Old: I see some dirt! It’s right there.

Couples

Me: How is this card?
Wife: Lovely!
Me: There’s actually a limited number that aren’t religious, designed to hold money, or with pictures of white couples.

Backed Up

Wife’s Friend [to me]: That should be a diary entry: “Went to a black wedding. Got backed up on.”