May 31, 2012

Eight-Year-Old: Boo!
Four-Year-Old: What?
Singing and Talking Toy Turtle: Four!



May 30, 2012

Me: Sasquatchery.
Wife: What?
Me: Sasquatchery.
Wife: I heard what you said.
Me: It’s the practice of being a sasquatch.
Wife: See, I thought it was where the sasquatch was made.
Me: I have some non-sasquatch-sex things to talk about.


May 29, 2012

Wife: Your back hair is questionable.
Me: Back hair is back hair. It’s like polenta: what can you say about it?
Wife: “Like polenta”?!

Cracker Barrel

May 28, 2012

Wife: [Eight-Year-Old], you will have to put your pants back on if we go to Cracker Barrel.


May 27, 2012

Friend’s Son: So what was in the Easter egg?
Me: Bubble gum.
Friend’s Son: Was it chewed?


May 26, 2012

Me: Hey, there’s some jellybeans… in the table.
Friend’s Daughter: That’s disgusting! Just saying that, it’s disgusting, and I’m eating.


May 25, 2012

Wife: It doesn’t come off! He’s pulling it like taffy.
Me: Salt water booby.

Sponge Family

May 24, 2012

Me: If you trace your family tree back far enough, you get sponges.
Eight-Year-Old: I don’t want to go meet my sponge family.


May 23, 2012

Me: Now, if I could just find a page for “fictional STDs.”


May 22, 2012

Wife: That’s all you said? “I got tenure”?
Me: Yes.
Wife: That makes it sound like speechies. They’ve got good antibiotics for that now.