May 31, 2012
Singing and Talking Toy Turtle: Four!
May 30, 2012
Wife: I heard what you said.
Me: It’s the practice of being a sasquatch.
Wife: See, I thought it was where the sasquatch was made.
Me: I have some non-sasquatch-sex things to talk about.
May 29, 2012
Wife: Your back hair is questionable.
Me: Back hair is back hair. It’s like polenta: what can you say about it?
Wife: “Like polenta”?!
May 28, 2012
Wife: [Eight-Year-Old], you will have to put your pants back on if we go to Cracker Barrel.
May 27, 2012
Friend’s Son: So what was in the Easter egg?
Me: Bubble gum.
Friend’s Son: Was it chewed?
May 26, 2012
Me: Hey, there’s some jellybeans… in the table.
Friend’s Daughter: That’s disgusting! Just saying that, it’s disgusting, and I’m eating.
May 25, 2012
Wife: It doesn’t come off! He’s pulling it like taffy.
Me: Salt water booby.
May 24, 2012
Me: If you trace your family tree back far enough, you get sponges.
Eight-Year-Old: I don’t want to go meet my sponge family.