October 31, 2016
Wife: It’s not, like, a hover squash, so that’s okay.
October 30, 2016
Wife: Can you read?
Four-Year-Old: Merely. Every time they threw a flower, it just burned.
October 29, 2016
Me: “I want to cover my carpet with thorns.” Who thinks like that?
October 28, 2016
Wife: The squirrel actually lived. I’m impressed. I hope the lady squirrels on the other side of the street are worth it.
October 27, 2016
Me: You don’t know much, but you know a lot of Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer jokes.
October 26, 2016
Nine-Year-Old: It was a really disgusting shadow.
October 25, 2016
Four-Year-Old: They’re stealing your lightning, and silverware, and water.
October 23, 2016
Me: Oh, you’ll feel the water in the bowl but not the snot in my elbow pit. I see a double standard here.
October 22, 2016
Wife: You make too much noise, and all of it is wrong.