Hover

Wife: It’s not, like, a hover squash, so that’s okay.

Burned

Wife: Can you read?
Four-Year-Old: Merely. Every time they threw a flower, it just burned.

Thorns

Me: “I want to cover my carpet with thorns.” Who thinks like that?

Lady Squirrels

Wife: The squirrel actually lived. I’m impressed. I hope the lady squirrels on the other side of the street are worth it.

I’m just a caveman.

Me: You don’t know much, but you know a lot of Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer jokes.

Shadow

Nine-Year-Old: It was a really disgusting shadow.

Silverware

Four-Year-Old: They’re stealing your lightning, and silverware, and water.

Iowa

Wife: He’d better leave Grinnell, Iowa at five a.m., is all I’m saying.

Standard

Me: Oh, you’ll feel the water in the bowl but not the snot in my elbow pit. I see a double standard here.

Wrong

Wife: You make too much noise, and all of it is wrong.