October 31, 2016

Wife: It’s not, like, a hover squash, so that’s okay.


October 30, 2016

Wife: Can you read?
Four-Year-Old: Merely. Every time they threw a flower, it just burned.


October 29, 2016

Me: “I want to cover my carpet with thorns.” Who thinks like that?

Lady Squirrels

October 28, 2016

Wife: The squirrel actually lived. I’m impressed. I hope the lady squirrels on the other side of the street are worth it.

I’m just a caveman.

October 27, 2016

Me: You don’t know much, but you know a lot of Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer jokes.


October 26, 2016

Nine-Year-Old: It was a really disgusting shadow.


October 25, 2016

Four-Year-Old: They’re stealing your lightning, and silverware, and water.


October 24, 2016

Wife: He’d better leave Grinnell, Iowa at five a.m., is all I’m saying.


October 23, 2016

Me: Oh, you’ll feel the water in the bowl but not the snot in my elbow pit. I see a double standard here.


October 22, 2016

Wife: You make too much noise, and all of it is wrong.