October 31, 2015
Friend: I like your shirt. It’s a virility shirt. The last time I wore a shirt like that, I had twins.
October 30, 2015
Me: I stepped on a blueberry.
Eight-Year-Old: Good. You’ve got blueberry foot.
Eight-Year-Old: It gave you a phobia of blue.
October 28, 2015
Colleague: I know Spanish engineering.
October 27, 2015
Me: For a series about interplanetary warfare, there’s an awful lot about how tired their horses are.
October 25, 2015
Colleague: Let’s remember what we’re trying to do here! We’re trying to kill theories!
October 23, 2015
Eleven-Year-Old [villain voice]: Destroy that fireplace!
[minion voice] But we can’t. It’s invulnerable!
[villain voice] Keep trying!
October 22, 2015
Wife: Why isn’t there ever any Coast Guard surplus?