October 31, 2015

Friend: I like your shirt. It’s a virility shirt. The last time I wore a shirt like that, I had twins.


October 30, 2015

Me: Ew.
Eight-Year-Old: What?
Me: I stepped on a blueberry.
Eight-Year-Old: Good. You’ve got blueberry foot.
Me: Okay.
Eight-Year-Old: It gave you a phobia of blue.


October 29, 2015

Wife: What do you want to watch, kid? Bee dancing or helicopter death saws?


October 28, 2015

Colleague: I know Spanish engineering.


October 27, 2015

Me: For a series about interplanetary warfare, there’s an awful lot about how tired their horses are.


October 26, 2015

Friend’s Daughter: Okay, pretend you’re a drive through.
Friend: Blog!


October 25, 2015

Colleague: Let’s remember what we’re trying to do here! We’re trying to kill theories!


October 24, 2015

Eleven-Year-Old [looking at stray cat in driveway]: She probably will go away once we bring the other cats back.
Wife: Why? They stay inside. They’re completely separate.
Eleven-Year-Old: They give off disgusting cat smell.
Wife: That’s not—
Eleven-Year-Old: From their butts!

Wife: Blog.


October 23, 2015

Eleven-Year-Old [villain voice]: Destroy that fireplace!
[minion voice] But we can’t. It’s invulnerable!
[villain voice] Keep trying!


October 22, 2015

Wife: Why isn’t there ever any Coast Guard surplus?