January 31, 2018

Me: [Five-Year-Old], do you want to go to Five Guys?
Five-Year-Old: Yeah, Five Guys! I’m going to Five Guys!

Is this loaded?


January 30, 2018

Wife: Did you just hug me, without permission?
Me: Yes?
Wife: Oh, go get raped by an orc, or something.


January 29, 2018

Me: I can’t gesture, because I’m invisible.


January 28, 2018

Friend: It says, “For the glory of Fair Ghinor, Sarpedon labors in his watery fastness among the stars.” So that’s what it says.
Me: So, typical Cthulhu-oid baloney.


January 27, 2018

First Friend: If we see another boat with a few people, we should all go over there and do a stealth kill.
Me: Why would we do that?
First Friend: Because they have stuff, and we need stuff.
Me: We do not need stuff!
Second Friend: But we want more stuff.
Me: We have eighty pounds of panther jerky.
First Friend: I have eighty pounds of panther jerky.
Me: You aren’t carrying it all on you, and I’ve been eating some of it, and you haven’t noticed, because I’m invisible.


January 26, 2018

First Friend: I’ve got like eighty pounds of panther jerky.

Me: Cool story, bro.
Second Friend: You’re telling us this, why?


January 25, 2018

Ten-Year-Old: This is not how you make memes, [Six-Year-Old]. This is how you make war.


January 24, 2018

Me: You are arguing about who gets to hold the cheez-its box. It does. Not. Matter.
Ten-Year-Old: If you’re going to be like that, give them to me.


January 23, 2018

Me: I would hope that every person you ate was raw.


January 22, 2018

Thirteen-Year-Old: Paul! Paul!
Me: What?
Thirteen-Year-Old: Paul!
Me: What is it?
Thirteen-Year-Old: Nothing.
Me: So why do you keep saying “Paul”?
Thirteen-Year-Old: I just had an epiphany.
Me: That doesn’t sound like an epiphany. Maybe a realization.

Oh, crap. Crap and ten thirds.