Pantsing

June 9, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old: Pants pants, the new trend.
Me [singing]: “These pants were made for pantsing.”
No, no, that’s not right!

Talk

May 28, 2017

Five-Year-Old: Cats don’t talk, except when they’re making music.

Me: Here.
Wife: Olives and French toast. There we go.
Me [singing]: Breakfast of champions.

Computing

November 10, 2016

Me: You computing the music for your next fart, or what?

Harmonics

November 9, 2016

Wife: Ice cream makes her fart harmonics! How is that not funny?

Relaxing

September 29, 2016

Wife: That’s not relaxing pooping music.

Disability

September 6, 2016

Me [singing]: If I had a hammer
Wife: … you’d go on disability.

Oompah

July 26, 2016

Wife: [Twelve-Year-Old], you will not ever have to have an oompah band you don’t want.

Strong

March 18, 2016

Me: I lean on you when I’m not strong.
Wife: I smell like crayons.

It’s my little girl’s birthday today!

Moths

January 21, 2016

Eleven-Year-Old: What if disco isn’t dead?
What if moths chew off my head?