Emojis

Friend: I was ordered by my child not to use emojis.

Pardon

Fifteen-Year-Old: Pardon me for not knowing the Korean word for pickle.

Unfair

Wife: Ninjas are also expensive to replace, and that’s unfair.

Pickle

Wife: If you look up another kind of pickle, I will fucking kick you in the nuts.
Me: Blog…. Which is not a kind of pickle.

Harold

Wife:  Everyone knows “Harold” was not Jesus’s middle name.  It was something like “Shmuel.”

Elvis

Me: Man, I hate Elvis today.

Ogres

Friend: Ogres love hard!

Designed

Friend: They seemed to be designed to tear each other, and pretty much anything else, apart.

Wouldn’t

Friend: I wouldn’t say what’s at ground level is a “hellscape,” but it’s almost a hellscape.

Fortition

Me: I hate fortition.