Emojis

August 31, 2019

Friend: I was ordered by my child not to use emojis.

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Pardon

August 30, 2019

Fifteen-Year-Old: Pardon me for not knowing the Korean word for pickle.

Unfair

August 29, 2019

Wife: Ninjas are also expensive to replace, and that’s unfair.

Pickle

August 28, 2019

Wife: If you look up another kind of pickle, I will fucking kick you in the nuts.
Me: Blog…. Which is not a kind of pickle.

Harold

August 27, 2019

Wife: Everyone knows “Harold” was not Jesus’s middle name. It was something like “Shmuel.”

Elvis

August 26, 2019

Me: Man, I hate Elvis today.

Ogres

August 25, 2019

Friend: Ogres love hard!

Designed

August 24, 2019

Friend: They seemed to be designed to tear each other, and pretty much anything else, apart.

Wouldn’t

August 23, 2019

Friend: I wouldn’t say what’s at ground level is a “hellscape,” but it’s almost a hellscape.

Fortition

August 22, 2019

Me: I hate fortition.