Grits

April 30, 2012

Me: What if you put hot grits in pantyhose?

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Face

April 29, 2012

Me: I love you.
Wife: Your face looks fat today.

Convention

April 28, 2012

Wife: They had a mustache convention here… in the sink…. Yes, that’s it.

Rooster

April 27, 2012

Me: I would have thought, most trailer parks, there’s a rule against having your own rooster.

Front

April 26, 2012

Me: Does a butt really have a front?

Bounce

April 25, 2012

Wife: I’ll bet squid would bounce on it, if they had a bed. The squid would totally be into that.

Piranha

April 24, 2012

Four-Year-Old: I have a bucket of one piranha fish!

Imaginary Horse

April 23, 2012

Wife: So I’m just thinking, “Great, a strange naked man just stepped into my shower and is talking to an imaginary horse.”

Patron

April 22, 2012

Me: So, do you know—is there really a patron saint of engineers?

Customers

April 21, 2012

Wife: Wow! The waitress is not supposed to beat the customers.
Me: What do you think this is, Durgin Park?