Toothbrush

Me: This new toothbrush is so soft. It’s like making love to my mouth!

Updike

Wife: You’re justifying this on the basis of an Updike novel?
Me: …
Please don’t drown my baby.

Transients

Wife: Who wants moist transients?

Glycerin

Wife: I needed a big round drill bit, but nobody had one. Then [Friend] walked in, and he was like, “I have a solution. Here’s some Oreos and glycerin.”

Dream

Me: I’m going to dream about you killing clowns.

Magician

Me: One of the things I’ve always wanted to do as a parent is to hire a magician for a kid’s funeral.
…
No, no, I meant birthday!

Isopod

Friend: I got an isopod for Christmas!
Blog?

Jesus

Wife: No, phone. Aah, phone! Jesus, phone! Bad, bad bad phone!

Don’t

Me: I don’t think lizard people have penises.

Gelatinous

Wife: If you ever feel a cool, gelatinous liquid on your face at night, pay no attention.