January 31, 2017
Me: This new toothbrush is so soft. It’s like making love to my mouth!
January 30, 2017
January 29, 2017
Wife: Who wants moist transients?
January 28, 2017
Wife: I needed a big round drill bit, but nobody had one. Then [Friend] walked in, and he was like, “I have a solution. Here’s some Oreos and glycerin.”
January 27, 2017
Me: I’m going to dream about you killing clowns.
January 26, 2017
Me: One of the things I’ve always wanted to do as a parent is to hire a magician for a kid’s funeral.
No, no, I meant birthday!
January 25, 2017
Wife: No, phone. Aah, phone! Jesus, phone! Bad, bad bad phone!
January 24, 2017
Me: I don’t think lizard people have penises.
January 23, 2017
Wife: If you ever feel a cool, gelatinous liquid on your face at night, pay no attention.