December 31, 2016

Wife: I am not interested, at all, in your self injury fetish log.



December 30, 2016

Me: I’m not hoarding your underwear.
Wife: Yet.


December 29, 2016

Me: I have been irradiating my testicles.


December 28, 2016

Wife: The ham I got did not have good enough statistics compared to my shovel, so….
Me: Blog.


December 27, 2016

Me: The zones all have names, like Middle Zealand and Bricksburg.
Nine-Year-Old: And Clown Town, which isn’t really a place. It’s for clowns.
Me: Does it have a dead lady?


December 26, 2016

Nine-Year-Old: Can you do it?
Me: Can I get some pants on first?
Nine-Year-Old: Why? Are you afraid the computer will see you without them?
Me: Yeah, I’ll go with that.


December 25, 2016

Twelve-Year-Old: Of course, I will do that funny voice with my friends. It’s just something you do.


December 24, 2016

Wife: Dang it. His hat fell off.
Me: Well, the only thing holding it in place was mustard.


December 23, 2016

Me: Something wrong with that piece?
Wife: No, it just fell out of my mouth, and I wasn’t able to catch it. Luckily, it was stuck to my face.


December 22, 2016

Nine-Year-Old [singing]: Frankie Doodle went to town, a-riding on a sausage!
Stuck some cheese in his hat and called it delicious!