December 31, 2016
Wife: I am not interested, at all, in your self injury fetish log.
December 30, 2016
Me: I’m not hoarding your underwear.
December 29, 2016
Me: I have been irradiating my testicles.
December 27, 2016
December 26, 2016
Nine-Year-Old: Can you do it?
Me: Can I get some pants on first?
Nine-Year-Old: Why? Are you afraid the computer will see you without them?
Me: Yeah, I’ll go with that.
December 25, 2016
Twelve-Year-Old: Of course, I will do that funny voice with my friends. It’s just something you do.
December 24, 2016
Wife: Dang it. His hat fell off.
Me: Well, the only thing holding it in place was mustard.
December 23, 2016
Me: Something wrong with that piece?
Wife: No, it just fell out of my mouth, and I wasn’t able to catch it. Luckily, it was stuck to my face.