April 30, 2016

Wife: If you want to get me something for Christmas…
Me: A T-shirt that says “illegitimate fuck buddy.”



April 29, 2016

Wife: If you want attention, you should come in and say… What have you been drinking?

Happy thirtieth to my baby brother!


April 28, 2016

Me: Have I asked you for a flail recently? No.


April 27, 2016

Wife: I’m not secure enough in my masculinity to wear pink underwear to a construction project.


April 26, 2016

Four-Year-Old: Mom, I can you pop a toy? I want to eat these.
Me: Those are crayons.


April 25, 2016

Four-Year-Old: It was Wednesday at movie time. Then, after I took my nap, it changed to Friday.


April 24, 2016

Me: Do you want to watch?
Wife: I’m watching.
Me: ‘Cause you don’t seem to be wearing your glasses or looking at the screen.
Wife: I’m totally watching.


April 23, 2016

Wife: No, it’s “sweet, sweet customer data.”
Me: You definitely said “precious.”
Wife: No. No, no, that’s not what I said.
Me: Well, OK, maybe I just heard it.


April 22, 2016

Me: Why would I want to talk to Google?
Wife [Gollum voice]: Because Google loves you. Sweet, sweet customer data.


April 21, 2016

Me: I had a bad dream, okay?
Wife: The dreams are okay. The whole, “I know you had sex with all the wookies that have come to our house”—not okay.