Neck
June 30, 2017
Wife: I’m going to stab myself in the neck so much.
Thirteen-Year-Old: Please don’t.
Wife: Why, because I would bleed on your mango?
Bowl
June 29, 2017
Wife: Here’s a bowl of mango and angst.
Bold
June 27, 2017
Five-Year-Old: They’re farting pants!
Ten-Year-Old: There’s no such thing as farting pants.
Five-Year-Old: They’re farting pants!
Ten-Year-Old: What are they? Pants that make you fart all the time?
Five-Year-Old: Yes.
Ten-Year-Old: That’s bold and original thinking.
Inside
June 26, 2017
Wife: What?
Me: At first… I wasn’t sure at first what that was. It looks like an inside out grapefruit.
Grocery
June 25, 2017
Man Leaving Grocery Store: Do you think they’ll let me in without one? You know, having a smart phone, or a tablet, or something for the grocery store.
Monocle
June 24, 2017
Ten-Year-Old: Why are you riding a hippo wearing a monocle?
Wife: Because the horse with the pirate hat was busy.
Vacuumed
June 23, 2017
Me: You just vacuumed your purse?
Wife: Yes.
Shade
June 22, 2017
Wife: I think that’s the first time you’ve cast some authentic teenage shade on me.
Hippie
June 21, 2017
Thirteen-Year-Old: Where are you going?
Wife: Work. I’m allowed to wear a skirt to work.
Thirteen-Year-Old: You look like a hippie.