Neck

June 30, 2017

Wife: I’m going to stab myself in the neck so much.
Thirteen-Year-Old: Please don’t.
Wife: Why, because I would bleed on your mango?

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Bowl

June 29, 2017

Wife: Here’s a bowl of mango and angst.

Littered

June 28, 2017

Wife: The pavement would be littered with boneless crushed dog bodies!
Me: Hold on! Hold on! Can’t blog fast enough!
Wife: Am I wrong?!
Me: No.

Bold

June 27, 2017

Five-Year-Old: They’re farting pants!
Ten-Year-Old: There’s no such thing as farting pants.
Five-Year-Old: They’re farting pants!
Ten-Year-Old: What are they? Pants that make you fart all the time?
Five-Year-Old: Yes.
Ten-Year-Old: That’s bold and original thinking.

Inside

June 26, 2017

Wife: What?
Me: At first… I wasn’t sure at first what that was. It looks like an inside out grapefruit.

Grocery

June 25, 2017

Man Leaving Grocery Store: Do you think they’ll let me in without one? You know, having a smart phone, or a tablet, or something for the grocery store.

Monocle

June 24, 2017

Ten-Year-Old: Why are you riding a hippo wearing a monocle?
Wife: Because the horse with the pirate hat was busy.

Vacuumed

June 23, 2017

Me: You just vacuumed your purse?
Wife: Yes.

Shade

June 22, 2017

Wife: I think that’s the first time you’ve cast some authentic teenage shade on me.

Hippie

June 21, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old: Where are you going?
Wife: Work. I’m allowed to wear a skirt to work.
Thirteen-Year-Old: You look like a hippie.