Injure

September 1, 2017

Wife: Do not injure yourself just because we’re in a hospital.

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Spinners

August 29, 2017

Wife: You would starve in a room full of fidget spinners.
Ten-Year-Old: At least she would die happy!

Dave’s

August 27, 2017

Five-Year-Old: Fine, I’ll do something Jewish—a Dave’s Star.

Called

August 16, 2017

Colleague: So, Brett, where to? You’re the party master.
Me: Nobody’s ever called me that.

Target

August 14, 2017

Colleague: I’ve tried to target female graduate students.

Sisterhood

August 5, 2017

Wife: I dreamed that the temple sisterhood produced an instructional video about hair removal. I win!

Win

August 4, 2017

Me: Nobody died in my dream, which I’m going count as a major win.

Perfect

July 11, 2017

Me: [Five-Year-Old]!
Five-Year-Old: I can’t! I’m pooping!
Me: No, that’s perfect.

God

July 6, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old: You can’t go up against God, because that’s just….

Party

July 3, 2017

Friend: You can drop acid with me and Brett.
Wife: Wow, that’s a party.