Dance Move

October 14, 2018

Eleven-Year-Old: Can I do broccoli?
Wife: That sounds like a new dance move.

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Dino

October 5, 2018

Me: I’m going to watch Cupcake and Dino until I find something that makes sense.

Prosperity

October 1, 2018

Eleven-Year-Old: In the Philippines, a gift of a chamber pot is supposed to promote prosperity
Me: “Eat a lot, poop a lot”?

Arguing

September 22, 2018

Me: I told you they were arguing about who got to clean the bathtub.

Arrow

September 21, 2018

Graduate Student: You see a dead ratling, nailed to a tree by a very large arrow.
Friend’s Son: An ogre arrow.
Me: An “ograrrow,” if you will.

Color

September 18, 2018

Fourteen-Year-Old: You look like somebody who’s trying to be emo, but you have too much color.

Superior

September 7, 2018

Fourteen-Year-Old: It pisses me off!
Wife: I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to piss you off. I was probably trying to show off my superior HVAC knowledge.

Wasting

September 5, 2018

Me: It is not wasting food to eat it.

Simultaneously

August 31, 2018

Fourteen-Year-Old: Don’t eat two pieces of pizza simultaneously!

Victory

August 28, 2018

Wife: Victory sneeze—that’s a thing.