Barf

May 24, 2017

Wife: I don’t want to be in her barf world!

Hags

May 19, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old: I’l just take it out on the hags.

Citrus

May 17, 2017

Me: I was thinking of candied beef strips, like how you can candy citrus peel.
Wife: You mean by boiling them for a long time in sugar water?
Me: Okay, that wouldn’t work, would it?
Wife: No, but at least you would have a disgusting mess… that nobody would want to try. So there’s that.

Gallium

May 12, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old: I need gallium, a spoon mold, and some tea.

Fault

April 26, 2017

Me: It’s not my fault if you can’t figure out how to use a parking lot.

Cheeks

April 23, 2017

Me: I want to start a club called “Butt Cheeks.”

Try

April 20, 2017

Five-Year-Old: The anger isn’t working. The anger isn’t working. The anger isn’t working. So let’s try this again.

Celebrate

April 17, 2017

Five-Year-Old: I hate the times you don’t celebrate Christmas!
Thirteen-Year-Old: Oh, ho, ho. Not having this conversation at this time.

Constantly

April 13, 2017

Nine-Year-Old: I love being constantly in motion!

Alternative

April 11, 2017

Wife: The driver should not be suggesting alternative yule log sources.