Attack

December 15, 2018

Six-Year-Old: Why can I not have my heart attack?

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Cliff

December 5, 2018

Wife: I’m gonna go honk off a cliff, y’all!

Desensitized

November 28, 2018

Fourteen-Year-Old: Have I been desensitized? Man, that’s sad.

Crying

November 25, 2018

Wife: I think maybe you should just leave the crying wizard where you are.
Six-Year-Old: I’m not even a wizard any more!

Musical

November 20, 2018

Me: What did he have that they really wanted him that much?
Wife: Testicles.
Eleven-Year-Old: That sounded like a musical instrument.

Russian

November 11, 2018

Fourteen-Year-Old: I need more Russian Voldemort in my life.

Anger

November 7, 2018

Fourteen-Year-Old: Frick! I did it wrong! Anger, anger. High score, high score.

Life

October 29, 2018

Eleven-Year-Old: Falling asleep and burning to death is not usually life.

Tail

October 17, 2018

Friend: We’re in hot pursuit of rats.
Eleven-Year-Old: Right on their tail!

Dance Move

October 14, 2018

Eleven-Year-Old: Can I do broccoli?
Wife: That sounds like a new dance move.