July 11, 2017

Me: [Five-Year-Old]!
Five-Year-Old: I can’t! I’m pooping!
Me: No, that’s perfect.


July 6, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old: You can’t go up against God, because that’s just….


July 3, 2017

Friend: You can drop acid with me and Brett.
Wife: Wow, that’s a party.


June 25, 2017

Man Leaving Grocery Store: Do you think they’ll let me in without one? You know, having a smart phone, or a tablet, or something for the grocery store.


June 6, 2017

Five-Year-Old: I want bigger privileges before bedtime.


June 5, 2017

Five-Year-Old: I think I can juggle!
Me: Good.
Five-Year-Old: Now get me some balls, so I can see how.


May 27, 2017

Five-Year-Old: Don’t throw me down in the lava, my friend!


May 24, 2017

Wife: I don’t want to be in her barf world!


May 19, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old: I’l just take it out on the hags.


May 17, 2017

Me: I was thinking of candied beef strips, like how you can candy citrus peel.
Wife: You mean by boiling them for a long time in sugar water?
Me: Okay, that wouldn’t work, would it?
Wife: No, but at least you would have a disgusting mess… that nobody would want to try. So there’s that.