May 24, 2017

Wife: I don’t want to be in her barf world!


May 19, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old: I’l just take it out on the hags.


May 17, 2017

Me: I was thinking of candied beef strips, like how you can candy citrus peel.
Wife: You mean by boiling them for a long time in sugar water?
Me: Okay, that wouldn’t work, would it?
Wife: No, but at least you would have a disgusting mess… that nobody would want to try. So there’s that.


May 12, 2017

Thirteen-Year-Old: I need gallium, a spoon mold, and some tea.


April 26, 2017

Me: It’s not my fault if you can’t figure out how to use a parking lot.


April 23, 2017

Me: I want to start a club called “Butt Cheeks.”


April 20, 2017

Five-Year-Old: The anger isn’t working. The anger isn’t working. The anger isn’t working. So let’s try this again.


April 17, 2017

Five-Year-Old: I hate the times you don’t celebrate Christmas!
Thirteen-Year-Old: Oh, ho, ho. Not having this conversation at this time.


April 13, 2017

Nine-Year-Old: I love being constantly in motion!


April 11, 2017

Wife: The driver should not be suggesting alternative yule log sources.