Disease

February 6, 2019

Eleven-Year-Old: I want a new disease.

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Octopus

January 30, 2019

Friend: The water wizard will give everyone a face octopus.

Spirit

January 29, 2019

Friend: For the record, I’m planning on capturing a gnoll and breaking its spirit.

Scientific

January 5, 2019

Six-Year-Old: Dad, why are you being so scientific with these?

Canines

January 2, 2019

Six-Year-Old: For justice, juice box, and canines!

Deliciouser

December 27, 2018

Six-Year-Old: I just want biscuits! They’re delicious—deliciouser than I can imagine!

Glowing

December 22, 2018

Me: Wake up every morning to a glowing narwhal.
Fourteen-Year-Old: My dream come true!

Diet

December 21, 2018

Six-Year-Old: Just a tiny baguette. We have a diet for bread.

Attack

December 15, 2018

Six-Year-Old: Why can I not have my heart attack?

Cliff

December 5, 2018

Wife: I’m gonna go honk off a cliff, y’all!