March 25, 2017
First Friend: Supposedy, we’ve got another dead one back there. Can you give me a guess what would be a fair price to fell?
Second Friend: Tell me what we’re talking about again?
March 23, 2017
Me: If I had the charisma of Anthony Weiner, without the dick pics, would that be so bad?
Forty, over the hill!
March 22, 2017
Five-Year-Old: I want it… real bad!
Five-Year-Old: Yes, it is real bad!
March 21, 2017
Me: Going into cardiac arrest is… not actually a good way to burn calories.
March 20, 2017
Me: What’s that?
Wife: It’s my new life of crime.
Me: Cool! Can I open it?
March 19, 2017
Colleague: I have already acquired a small plastic horse, so that’s one problem solved.
March 6, 2017
Me: I hope you see some interesting wildlife.
Wife: Around here, it would all be poisonous.
Me: Well, if you’re heading into the foothills, you shouldn’t run into any cottonmouths or water moccasins. And you probably won’t get to high enough altitude to see a yeti.
Nine-Year-Old: Yetis aren’t real, you idiot!
March 3, 2017
Me: Could you have your internal monologue internally?
Twelve-Year-Old: No, that’s impossible.
February 28, 2017
Colleague: I should attempt to balance out my natural paper constipation.