Pubic

June 23, 2019

Friend: I tried to add some pubic hair in there.

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Nonexistent

June 22, 2019

Student: I’m pointing at the nonexistent female who’s over in the corner.

Movements

June 15, 2019

Student: I love hearing about people’s bowel movements.

Proud

June 14, 2019

First Friend: Wiggle your ass and make me proud.
Second Friend: What?
Me: Wiggle your ass and make her proud.
Second Friend: Do you want me to waggle your ass?
First Friend: No.
Second Friend: Do you want a fucking lap dance?

Darts

June 11, 2019

Me: I don’t think darts are supposed to be wet.

Exporting

June 8, 2019

First Student: Keep poop local!
Second Student: As opposed to what? Exporting it?
First Student: We don’t want any of your Swedish poop in Bloomington.

Canyon

May 22, 2019

Friend: Let’s not flood the slot canyon.

Sleep

May 21, 2019

Friend: It’s not easy to sleep on a lizard.

Maturity

May 19, 2019

Me: Since you turned eleven and [Friend] turned fifty, you’ve both shown a lot more maturity.

Blog.
Eleven-Year-Old: Just a bit. Actually, too much maturity.

Thingy

May 16, 2019

Seven-Year-Old: When do we get the entertainment thingy?
Wife: I have to buy it from IKEA.
Seven-Year-Old: Who’s IKEA? Is that one of your friends?