Theme

June 23, 2018

Friend: Also, I have attempted to hum the X-Files theme.
Me: “Also”?

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Actors

June 20, 2018

Wife: I’m glad you have enough money to afford recognizable voice actors for your dreams.

Swampy

June 15, 2018

Former Synagogue President: It doesn’t mean we can’t consider selling an aging, inefficient building that’s sited on a “swampy hole,” as I like to say it.
Me: We prefer the term “rain garden.”

Earlier

June 13, 2018

Eleven-Year-Old: Can I be picked up from school early?
Me: You mean earlier than the half day?

Happy birthday, mister Eleven!

Capitalists

June 2, 2018

Bathroom Stall Graffiti: Kill The
CAPITALISTS
Communists
capitalists
Why can’t we
make peace

Engineer

May 28, 2018

Ten-Year-Old: This is impossible!
Five-Year-Old: Just keep trying, and trying, and trying, like an engineer, [Ten-Year-Old].

Turn

May 27, 2018

Fourteen-Year-Old: It’s my turn to buy all the drinks.

Cannot Not

May 19, 2018

Me: I need to tell her about that.
Fourteen-Year-Old: Can you not?
Me: No, I cannot not.

Good

May 18, 2018

Ten-Year-Old: I want something good to eat and drink.
Me: So, you don’t want a breakfast bar?
Ten-Year-Old: Yes.
Me: You do or you don’t?
Ten-Year-Old: Yes.
Me: You do or you don’t?
Ten-Year-Old: Yes.

Yolks

May 14, 2018

Six-Year-Old: I’m trying to hear the yolk inside an egg.
Me: Do yolks make noise?
Six-Year-Old: No.

[spooky voice] Or do they?