March 25, 2017

First Friend: Supposedy, we’ve got another dead one back there. Can you give me a guess what would be a fair price to fell?
Second Friend: Tell me what we’re talking about again?


March 23, 2017

Me: If I had the charisma of Anthony Weiner, without the dick pics, would that be so bad?

Forty, over the hill!


March 22, 2017

Five-Year-Old: I want it… real bad!
Me: No.
Five-Year-Old: Yes, it is real bad!


March 21, 2017

Me: Going into cardiac arrest is… not actually a good way to burn calories.


March 20, 2017

Me: What’s that?
Wife: It’s my new life of crime.
Me: Cool! Can I open it?


March 19, 2017

Colleague: I have already acquired a small plastic horse, so that’s one problem solved.


March 6, 2017

Me: I hope you see some interesting wildlife.
Wife: Around here, it would all be poisonous.
Me: Well, if you’re heading into the foothills, you shouldn’t run into any cottonmouths or water moccasins. And you probably won’t get to high enough altitude to see a yeti.
Nine-Year-Old: Yetis aren’t real, you idiot!


March 3, 2017

Me: Could you have your internal monologue internally?
Twelve-Year-Old: No, that’s impossible.


February 28, 2017

Colleague: I should attempt to balance out my natural paper constipation.


February 19, 2017

Nine-Year-Old: I know where I’m going to have my bar mitzvah.
Me: Where?
Nine-Year-Old: At a bar, filled with bars.
Me: Makes sense.
Nine-Year-Old: Or a prison.