Piercing

February 16, 2018

Thirteen-Year-Old: Raw! Body piercing!

I hate my life.

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Expectations

February 15, 2018

Thirteen-Year-Old: That’s what I do with my life: set low expectations and then fail to meet them.

Stealth

January 27, 2018

First Friend: If we see another boat with a few people, we should all go over there and do a stealth kill.
Me: Why would we do that?
First Friend: Because they have stuff, and we need stuff.
Me: We do not need stuff!
Second Friend: But we want more stuff.
Me: We have eighty pounds of panther jerky.
First Friend: I have eighty pounds of panther jerky.
Me: You aren’t carrying it all on you, and I’ve been eating some of it, and you haven’t noticed, because I’m invisible.

Memes

January 25, 2018

Ten-Year-Old: This is not how you make memes, [Six-Year-Old]. This is how you make war.

Raw

January 23, 2018

Me: I would hope that every person you ate was raw.

Raptured

January 11, 2018

Me: I think this road crew has been raptured.

Invitation

January 7, 2018

Thirteen-Year-Old: Bra.
Me: What?
Thirteen-Year-Old: Bra. And [Her Friend’s] bat mitzvah invitation.

Not that they have anything to do with each other.
Me: Well, they’re both about becoming a woman.

Tying

December 19, 2017

Gamer: Tying a knot will clean a multitude of sins.

Make of that what you will.

No Idea

December 17, 2017

Wife: Come on. You have no idea what I was doing.
Thirteen-Year-Old: I know. I was watching you.

Admit

December 16, 2017

Wife: I admit, I taught Python to predict the future.