Prison

February 19, 2017

Nine-Year-Old: I know where I’m going to have my bar mitzvah.
Me: Where?
Nine-Year-Old: At a bar, filled with bars.
Me: Makes sense.
Nine-Year-Old: Or a prison.

Ottoman

February 17, 2017

Wife: If it were a gnome living in a computer, it would be, like, “WebMD says my back isn’t broken. It’s spleenitosis!” That’s why you want ottoman gnomes.

Vegetables

February 5, 2017

Me: So I will pick up all the children, and you will pick up all the vegetables.

Glycerin

January 28, 2017

Wife: I needed a big round drill bit, but nobody had one. Then [Friend] walked in, and he was like, “I have a solution. Here’s some Oreos and glycerin.”

Dream

January 27, 2017

Me: I’m going to dream about you killing clowns.

Magician

January 26, 2017

Me: One of the things I’ve always wanted to do as a parent is to hire a magician for a kid’s funeral.

No, no, I meant birthday!

Sustain

January 21, 2017

Twelve-Year-Old: The shepherd’s pie will sustain me.

Unseen

January 12, 2017

Me: Who would buy a cave sight unseen?

Exactly

January 8, 2017

Graduate Student: This was, I hope, exactly the same thing I wrote down, more or less

Now

January 7, 2017

Wife: Please don’t make farting noises right now. That’s not what I need.